August 28, 2014

5 months

It's been two months since I checked in. Two. Hard to believe how fast the universe moves when you are wrangling three kids and a husband to manage life.

The babies are now five months old and hitting all sorts of milestones that I won't bore you to death with the details. Rolling over, holding bottles, blowing spit bubbles, and puking on the reg. You know, the fun stuff.

Smith has been a handful of chaos lately. Remind me who the asshole was that said 4 was magical because I'm pretty sure that I want to gouge their eyeballs out with spoons. 4 has been nothing but a shit storm of attitude mixed with tantrums and a side of demands. I'm really kind of over it. We had some sleep and potty regression issues that drove me about 3/4 of an inch from the edge of a cliff of despair, but alas I survived.

Going from one to three kids in the blink of an eye and a slice of a scalpel is probably the most asinine thing that could ever happen to a person. Nothing quite prepares you for the volume of insanity, immense loss of sleep, and guilt that comes with not having enough time. Enough time for ANYTHING.

But it is also the most ridiculously beautiful thing all in the same breath. My love for these three grows more and more with each passing day. I have a hard time envisioning life with all three of them mobile, going to soccer camps, and dance classes. That concept seems incredibly foreign when I'm still wiping hineys and making 8 prepared bottles a day for a 9 hour stint at daycare while I'm back at work full time. And footing the $2,400 a month bill for it too. Woof.

As for me, I am actually finding my footing in this new role as a mom of three. While I don't have a lot of time for myself and the length of my leg hair gets unruly from time to time out of sheer lack of time and / or energy to shave, I am happy. Content. Albeit really fucking tired. But a good tired. These three are my everything.

I am feeling the itch to blog again. I miss you. I miss the therapy. I miss the interaction.  I make no promises, but a writer is always a writer. And I feel like this is one area of my life that I do need to take back for myself. We'll see where it takes me.

June 18, 2014


I have had a few emails from blog land lately as to how things are going with our new expanded family after welcoming the twins.

We are doing extremely well and have spent the past twelve weeks trying to find our footing, getting to know our new children, and learning to cope with the immense loss of sleep, two colic infused, reflux babies, and a pretty gnarly case of Postpartum depression. It’s been a whirlwind and, quite frankly, far more of a shit show than I could ever begin to disseminate in one or even several blog posts.

I took an unintentional hiatus after welcoming Wynn and Grey into our family, but after some time, it felt good to let go of that added pressure to update and post regularly. My priorities have shifted in a lot of ways and I’m just not sure where I’ll be taking this space from here. I considered removing it all together. I considered making it private. I considered just leaving it alone, but I also don’t want to discount the amazing women (and some men) that have chosen to go along for the ride for the past 6 years either.

I really don’t know where it will take me, but for now, this is not the place for me and my family. If you want to follow along and get to know my two newest hyenas, please feel free to follow me on Instagram. Just prepare your ovaries for an influx of baby pictures and the most amazing big brother than ever walked in light up Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoes. 

I bid you adieu for now. Adieu covered in spit up, poop, boxed wine stains, and eye cream. Perhaps we’ll chat again soon…

March 24, 2014

Welcome Littles

Wynn Callahan and Grey Catherine joined our family on Saturday, March 22nd at 10:40 and 10:44pm. Wynn weighing 6lbs 1oz and measuring 18 1/4 inches long. Grey weighing 5lbs 15oz and 18 inches even. The babies are doing well and will be spending some time in the NICU until we are discharged. 

They have changed our lives beyond measure and we couldn't be more in love. 

March 21, 2014

a love no greater

Smith has been withdrawing from me a lot lately. He's definitely riding the daddy train and bypassing mommy for the most part. It's been hard on me. Harder than I'd like to admit. I'm sure a lot of it can be attributed to the fact that I just simply cannot play with him like I used to. Even getting down on the floor to do a puzzle with him is painful for me and requires pliers, WD40, and a prayer to get back up again. Instead, I have to spend a lot of time cheering him on from the couch or nearest comfortable chair.

Smith and I used to be the best snuggle buddies. Saturday mornings we'd sit arm in arm on the couch and watch Dinosaur Train or something equally as annoying for mom, but it made him smile and invited hand holding opportunities between us. I love holding his hand.  Most of the time, he'd scoot as close as possible to me and I'd just smell his hair or neck as he giggled at the nonsensical jokes on television. Now, my lap is so consumed with fetuses that it nearly touches my knees. There's just no more room. 

We had an opportunity to spend some quality one on one time together yesterday afternoon and what should have been a beautiful few hours ended up in tears for the both of us. My patience has seen better days and my level of exhaustion, both physically and emotionally, is catching up to me. The littlest things seem like impossible feats. I drop something on the floor and it literally elicits tears. Because it means I have to bend over to pick it up. Which means, I feel every bone of two precious babies crushing my insides.

I know to expect the emotional connection between Smith and I to be strained over the course of the next few months, as we all learn to juggle our new roles. Our family will nearly double in size in the blink of an eye and what we now know to be normal and comfortable will be a thing of the past.  I will be the primary care provider for the twins as I attempt to nurse them both. There will be weeks {possibly months} of chaos in trying to find a happy balance between the three of them.

But, my greatest fear is that my son, my first born and miracle baby will somehow retreat further and the infallible connection we once had will just become a distant memory.

It's hard to imagine a love multiplying beyond what I have for my son. In my current reality, there is nothing greater.

March 18, 2014

twins update

Here's the thing... I have been admitted to L&D three times now for preterm labor contractions. Three times. Except that these fun, continuous contractions (for weeks on end... yeah, think about that) aren't doing anything to actually help my lady bits move in the direction of having babies.

During my last evaluation on Wednesday last week, W's head was so low and engaged that even inverted on a gurney, they couldn't get him to move out of my pelvis enough to get a measurement on my cervix. He's that low.

They were both measuring 6lbs during the ultrasound and healthy as an ox. The poster child for carrying twins indeed. Although, at this point, I have had enough of the atta girl's and hang in there's that I willingly will punch the next person to say such in the neck. A girl can only hang on to her sanity for so long. More power to all of those before me that have carried multiples without so much of a single whine or complaint. You rock. I do not.

I am down to weekly appointments at this stage of the game and all I need is ONE SINGLE INDICATION that my body is preparing for birth. Other than the constant contractions which are still happening every two to five minutes throughout the day and night for two weeks solid now. Give me Dilation for $200 Alex. Or maybe I'll take thinning of the cervix, Final Answer. Anything. That is all the doctor needs in order to wheel me in and make me a mommy of three. 

Otherwise, it's another 2 week wait until we can schedule the csection at 38 weeks.  There's no amount of begging, pleading, and bribery with Target gift cards and M&M ice cream cookie sandwiches that will legally allow them to be taken from their penthouse in  my uterus by the doctors. Whomever decided that rule should be thrown to the wolves. Do you know what two more weeks will do? Add another two pounds to the babies, making them roughly 8-9lbs a piece. Can we even think about carrying 16 - 18lbs of baby in one uterus? It will also cause my sanity to slip through the cracks and possibly land me in the looney bin with some nice padded walls and no box of wine in sight.

Please say a little prayer that we can get this show on the road this week. Please. My patience has run out and the pain in my everything is getting worse by the minute.