le husband

Husband likes to pretend he doesn't care about my blogging. But I think he's secretly jealous that he doesn't have a few hundred gorgeous women leaving him beautiful comments. Can't say I blame him. If I were a lesbian, I'd be all 'how YOU doin' because this is the way to meet ladies. Am I right?


While some of you are off galavanting at Blissdom (I still don't get the hype), I am sitting on my couch with my 2nd glass of boxed deliciousness and anxiously plotting my departure to bed. At 8:30pm. In my 10 year old sorority teeshirt with a hole at about nipple level. Word.

Doesn't that make you wonder what other bloggers do at night? I like to envision all these fabulous lives; women going out to eat at amazing resturants, drinking champage, and coming home to get ravaged by their hot pieces of man meat. Meanwhile, you guys are probably sitting on your couch braless and telling yourself that you'll definitely, maybe, probably not shave again tomorrow.  Its only been a week. Husband won't mind.

Sweet Jesus... this is why you don't drink and blog. How many followers have I lost with just this post?

What I was trying to get at is that I am going to force Le Husband to participate in this little corner of stupidity. He's going to answer your questions. And he's going to like it. About as much as he likes washing dishes or cleaning the dog shit out of the back yard. But nonetheless, I have the vagina in this family and basically that means I win.

So, in honor of my lack of exercise this week and my big fat FAIL for my Firm Friday, leave your questions for Le Husband below. And make him feel good. Ask him anything.

One List Life

Attention Publix Shoppers! From February 23–29 you can participate in P&G’s “One List Life” promotion, available exclusively at Publix: simply select any four fabulous participating P&G items and pick up a FREE Rotisserie Chicken while you’re at it! Learn more at www.savingspg.com.

When the Clever Girls selected me to participate in the One List Life promotion, I was all "who me?" and all "say what" and then "hells yeah!" because I got a good excuse to shop at Publix. As if I'm not hollerin at every drag queen (true) in the place asking him?/her? where she got her shoes. Because seriously, these girls are fabulous. And guaranteed they have better legs than I do. This is one of the benefits of living in a fabulously delicious gay neighborhood. Good property value, safe neighborhoods, and I can get shopping advice from man or woman. Holler.

Publix makes shopping easier than a 2 bit hooker with a red light special. Especially when you have kids. I had to run in for some essentials to keep myself sane and the trip was quick and easy. Especially when Publix is kind enough to hand off a chocolate chip cookie to keep the Smurf happy. I purchased a few goodies (see below) and through the promotion, I also was able to snag a free rotisserie chicken. Seriously. Not having to cook dinner is about the equivilant of catching a marathon of Ryan Reynolds movies on tv.

You can take advantage of this too! Stop by any Publix and pick up any 4 participating items and you can get your own free chicken (and make that equivilant to a Ryan Gosseling marathon perhaps? Reynolds is taken. Back up off me).  The promotion runs 2/23 - 2/29!  The free chicken is in addition to great sales prices on all of the participating items. Save some more pennies by getting all Crazy Coupon Lady and use those dedicated coupons in the P&G brandSaver.

damn cats just can't leave ish alone

that's better

Thank you to P&G for sponsoring my participation in this “One List Life” promotion. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever'>http://www.clevergirlscollective.com/">Clever Girls Collective. All opinions expressed here are my own.


 

Harry Twatter and The Sorcerers Bone

Let me tell you something personal. Shocker! I know. I am not one for censoring anything. Obvi. 

My nickname in middle / high school was "open coke bottle". Okay, way creative there, assholes. It took me all of two conversations in the girls bathroom after Mr. Kahn's math class to realize that they were talking about my boobs. As in flat as an open coke bottle. As in Kristen has no tatas.

I didn't really learn to appreciate my small, but perfectly respectable A's. I wanted bigguns. I also wanted to marry Joey McIntyre, but that's a story for another day (that involves kissing my NKOTB giant button before bed every night). Once I hit college, my little A's filled out to perfect little B's. Booya! I got some curves ya'll (err, well... about as curvy as you'd consider a 5'8' size 2 (I'll even call myself a bitch for that one).

Shannon used to be a perfectly acceptable bra replacement

Then I got married. And then got pregnant (twice). Hello tatas! Where have you been all my life? Bow chicka bow wow. Pam Anderson meets mixed breed of pre-bat shit crazy Britney Spears and beach girl without the fabulous wind blown tresses. That doesn't even make sense.

Tatas during pregnancy are glorious. Except for the whole veiny thing. Those aren't cute. But rock hard double D's are fabulous. Despite tipping the scales at 198lbs (true) at 9 months pregnant, my boobs were zexy!

Oh good LAWD! Then comes the nursing. We're officially hitting porn star status. I could make a buck or two stripping with these bad boys if I had to. I'm sure the frequent patrons of Harry Twatter and The Sorcerers Bone won't care about my nipple leakage.

wah wah wah......

Baby turns one. Boobs deflate faster than Lindsay Lohan's nostrils after a coke binge. 

How is it possible to lose the substance? Boobs are still massive, but as my new dear friend Jessica said, they're like empty tube socks. Okay, mine aren't quite that bad (I am lying). But where's the boob job that Husband promised me? 

(taps food impatiently)

I would like to invoke my god given right to small but firm boobs after carrying around a 54 lb load of baby nonsense for 9 months. Sure my kid is cute, but I think he'd look better if his mama had nice tatas. 

Can I add BOOB JOB to my Amazon wish list?