In most aspects of my life, I am not selfish. I think most of the wonderful people in my life would tend to agree with that statement. I put others before myself (well, unless I'm battling for Ryan and then its on bitches!). I am always playing the Sally Sunshine card when other people have misfortunes. I'm that annoying girl always pushing to find the silver lining in an otherwise craptastic situation. I am the biggest cheerleader for my friends, my family, and my Husband. I live by the golden rule. I would sacrifice my needs or wants if it meant someone I love didn't have to go without.
I am not boasting. This I can assure you. I have plenty of faults and perhaps some people may actually think I'm a royal f*cktard by the time this post is over.
My heart hurts ladies. I am crushed. I am physically not able to find the strength to celebrate others baby blessings. Its painful. Its discouraging. Its a reminder that each and every day I am not in control of what my heart aches for. I cannot truthfully say I am happy when others share their successful pregnancies. I cannot celebrate a new life because I am still mourning the loss of the one I created together with my Husband. I cannot put on a brave face. I cannot understand why that gift is given to some, yet others so deserving, so loving, so caring, so wonderful have to struggle.
The anger, the frustration, the upset, the torment isn't just about me. Its about all of us that have walked the same path. All of us that have experienced the loss of a life we created out of love. For everyone that is tortured, day in and day out, with the idea that we may never become parents. We may never have a child of our own to love.
Why? I know there is no real answer and it just boils down to a plan that is bigger than our own. But that doesn't help. All of the 'it'll happen when its supposed to's" and "when you stop trying is when it'll happen's" gets old. I know they're only trying to help. But, try thinking about that logic when you're at the drugstore starring at an eight month pregnant 17 year old with a toddler on her hip, diaper hanging off because the Mom is too lazy to deal with her child. Or when you are standing in line at the grocery store to see a group of young mothers with more kids than I have teeth, beating on their crying children without regard.
Please don't misunderstand. I am incredibly grateful for all that I have and all of the unyielding support from my friends and family through this past year. Its been particularly tough for us. But there's nothing wrong with wanting it all. That's what this life is all about, after all. I will not apologize for wanting my happy ending. I will not say I'm sorry for wanting to become a mother to a baby of my own. I won't make excuses for my anger. I am mad because I deserve the opportunity. I want what these people have. I want these blessings for my dearest friends.
We deserve this. We are good people. We are responsible. We are empathetic. We are caring. But we are also sad. We are discouraged. We are angry. And we feel defeated.
47 comments:
Since I talk to you every minute of the day and we already discussed this subject, all I will say is: I hurt when you hurt. I smile when you smile. We will get through this and it will be so worth it in the end. It will. One day at a time, my love. I appreciate your honesty and everyone who has been there knows the jealousy you feel when you hear - I am pregnant. It is normal. That is what my therapist says. ;) We will get our day.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS!
I am so sorry you have to go through this. There isn't anything to say to make you feel better, just know that it is okay to feel that way!
i agree that it's not fair. i know so many couples- so many women like you who will be the most amazing mothers, who are ready to be those amazing mothers... but for some reason don't have the opportunity. and yes, it angers me for you when i see people blatantly disregard their little blessings.
my heart and prayers are with you...
by nature, i'm not a suzy sunshine... but for some reason, the only thought going through my mind is about how excited and elated we will be when it's your chance to tell us the good news.
:(
Unfortunately, I know WAY too many wonderful people with the same situation, and it is ok to feel the way you do! It does not seem fair.
Beautifully written and completely justifiable sentiment. One that many people keep locked away for one reason or another. You're a brave & strong woman Kristen. I know your happy ending will come. There truly is no other possibility.
I, as well, know many wonderful, wonderful people who are struggling with these things. All I can say is that I think about and pray for people like you and Kent quite often. I hope that I never have to endure this pain myself, and that yours doesn't last much longer.
This makes me sad to read. Not only for you, but for Summer as well. =(
Granted, I don't know either of you personally, I still feel that you two would be GREAT mothers!
And I couldn't agree with you more about the under aged girls that have 2+ kids, that they can't afford. It isn't fair.
Just remember you two ladies are nothing short of FABULOUS!
very well written, girl. life is so unfair but you have to grab it by the balls and make it work for you. i'm sure you know that. i loved reading that you will not apologize for wanting your happy ending. damn straight you won't. :) thanks for sharing and hang in there. us bloggers are here for you. :):):)
Pretty Lady, my heart goes out to you!! I hate to hear such sad things from such a wonderful person. Its not fair! And its totally ok to feel that way!!
I wuv you!!
i am in tears for you right now lady...i know far to well the mothers you speak of...i have them in my family and it literally breaks my heart in two to see these drains on society and on the ones i love, to continue to produce offspring that are essentially unwelcome to them...a burden...a nuisance...it is a question that i fight hard not to break down and lose faith over...but it is not for me to understand why it happens for them and not others...
but with that being said i pray for your happy ending...for your perfect gerber/cherub/doll faced baby to come into your lives...i pray it comes soon...and without you having to endure another month of agony and heartbreak...
I guess I just see things from a different point of view. I've never lost a child and had no trouble conceiving my son. Lord willing, we'll soon be blessed with another child. BUT, if we're not, adoption would be a quick and easy decision for us. I understand wanting your own child. I have wanted to be a mom my entire life. When I got pregnant with my son, even though my situation was rotten, I was elated. But, being adopted myself, I have seen first hand that your adopted child becomes just as much your own as a child you have carried and given birth to. Perhaps that is what is intended for you. To give an amazing, loving life to the child of one of those teenagers who is unprepared and uncommitted to being a parent. Please don't think that I don't think your hurt is justified. It totally is. But at some point, maybe adoption could be a consideration...
i love you two and think about you more than you know
I am sending you and your husband continued love, thoughts and prayers that your miracle will happen to you both soon. Even though I don't know you IRL - from what I can see via your blog, you are in deed a very genuine person who deserves the best of everything. Lots of love, Trac~ xoxoxo
My biggest fear is this. That may sound stupid to some, that its my biggest fear, but ever since I was young this is what I wanted. I want to be a mother, and yes, I am scared, I will go through this, because I want it so much.
I know the people you talk of, I have them in my family too and I see those kind of people daily and it breaks my heart... It is hard to see those who do not deserve it have it and those that would value it not have it. and the questions you ask are so normal... and they're not selfish.
I love that you wont apologize for wanting a happy ending. I want it too and that is what we ALL should strive for.
I pray that you will be a mommy. and, I know that when you do... I will not worry that you will make a good mother, because I know you will. You and your husband, ARE going to be fantastic parents & your baby is going to be one stinkin' cute and witty thang'. <3 xoxo
I too feel jealousy everytime I see a pregnant woman or a baby with a young unfit mother. We haven't been trying very long but I was naive enough to think the minute I went off the pill it would happen. Why? Because that's how it happened with every.single.person I know IRL. I guess I'm just blessed with ferile friends.
I can't begin to imagine the pain of going thru a misscarriage and I pray everyday that I never have to know. I hope you're blessed with another little one soon because I don't know two more deserving people than you and your husband! Sending lots of baby dust your way!
wow, all I can say is that I know exactly how you feel. I could actually copy everyword of your blog and post it as my own because my thoughts and feeling are the same. It is frustrating, and I don't understand any of it. We are women, and we are created to have babies, yet some of us struggle to do so. I have been trying for two years and have been going to a fertility specialist but so far nothing.... I also get the, "don't try and then it will happen" speach, but how am I supposed to not forget about it when I am reminded EVERY month by Aunt flo that yet again, it hasn't happened. The worst is when you might be a few days late and you get your hopes up, but deep down inside you know it hasn't happened yet. I so now how you feel..... Hurting, longing, praying for a baby too. Hope your day gets better.
I'm not sure anyone can say something to make you feel better. But no, it's not fair.
This brought tears to my eyes. Your distress actually hurts me and I don't even know you this well (I didn't know know this fact about you!).
I am sorry for this happening in your life and even though you've heard it a million times already, "everything does happen for a reason." When the day comes that you and your hubby are blessed with a child (it will come) you will be stronger and better prepared for everything thrown your way.
Just keep telling yourself that you DO deserve this. You ARE good people. You ARE responsible. You ARE empathetic. You ARE caring. And although you also are sad, discouraged and angry - NEVER feel defeated. This is just a minor bump in your road. LOVE you girl! xoxo
oh honey...i am probably the worst person to respond to this as i want little or nothing to do with having children but when i read your desires, your longing for something that just isn't happening...i hurt for you. i'm so sorry. if i could i would make it happen...and while we're at it i would stop all those awful woman poppin out kids left and right and not truly appreciating the gift of motherhood from having anymore!!! done! don't they know it's KLAW'S TURN!!!
hugs and miller lites.
xoxo...me.
i think getting out the anger and frustration helps...one day, you'll be able to tell your son or daughter that all sorts of internet strangers know all about how hard you fought for them!!
don't lose hope kristen! you're such a strong girl and everything is going to work out for you.. i know it! I'll be praying for you two! xox
I'll be praying girlie that God blesses you with a little one soon. I don't really know what to say to make you feel better, you have every right to feel the way you do and you are not selfish. You just desire to have a family. I hope you are blessed and I hope all of your dreams come true. You deserve it!
All I can say is I think of you and Summer all the time and pray for your miracles.
I know you hate hearing this but it WILL happen and once it does you make the best mommy ever! It breaks my heart to see your heart breaking.
Just remember that you have so many people out there that love and support you and are sending up baby prayers for you and Kent. Love you!
I know where you are coming from. Every time my friend says "I am in love" or "I am engaged" my heart drops. Why not me? What am I doing wrong? When is it my turn. I want love more than anything, but I don't have much control when it will be my time. I am putting my faith and trust in God that he will bring it into my life. And he will bring a baby into yours...You will get a little munchkin...
Amen amen amen! I have this exact feeling after our loss. I almost get mad when others are preggers, and I hate that. BUt I really can't help it. I wish it wasn't, but it's just so, so, so painful.
I read this post on my phone while I wasn't home; and I had to hurry back here.
First off, my daughter's name is Kristen, so I feel like I love you a bit just for that. Also, I love how funny you are. And I love how honest you are in this post.
My heart goes out to you, truly. I have no words to make you feel better, because the heartache is too deep, but I would love to wrap my arms around you and give you a tight hug.
Much love,
Mamaface.
i wish i had something to say to make you feel better but i don't think i can come up with any words.
my heart hurts for you and your hubby. i am praying and wishing and hoping that your dreams to be parents comes true sooner rather than later. i know your time will come! it will! thoughts are with you sweet girl. i've been following you for quite a while now and i've read all about your pain and how this effects you and your life. sending you a big HUG my luv...XO
I'm sorry love - I cannot imagine how tough that situation has to be for you. I will do anything I possibly can to make you feel better, just let me know. I will punt a doctor for you if that will make you smile!
My thoughts and prayers are with you. xx
I truly feel so horrible for you. I don't at all blame you for being upset, or for hurting. I completely understand where you're coming from. It's difficult to see others with children, and having successful pregnancies, only to be ungrateful for their blessings. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you - I hope your dream to be a mother comes true very, very soon! :)
Sigh... I'm normally pretty good with words... but, truly, there just aren't any. You said it yourself. I could tell you I do believe there is a bigger plan, that this will happen for you in time, but you know all that and it gets old... your heart wants what it wants and now. Do not apologize for that... because you deserve that. You know I love you beyond words, and I know in my heart of hearts that you will be an amazing mama... and all I can do while your heart hurts is say a prayer for you every night (which I do, so check that one off the list) and join you in distractions in the meantime (making fun of Miley, lusting after Ryan, worshipping the almighty Miller Lite) until that baby comes into your life.
Hang in there... let the tears stain your face, let your heart feel whatever it wants, with no apologies... and know we are all here for you, anytime, and know that you are so very loved...
Sweetie you've got tears in my eyes for you and yours. May it happen sooner rather than later...I don't want your heart to ache any longer.
It is sad and unfortunate to see those who get knocked up and not appreciate what they have. You though...when you do...and you WILL...will be the cutest preggers lady around :)-
I love your honesty, and I thank you for sharing this. I don't have the words to say other than-I love you, I am praying for you and I will be here to celebrate with you when all our prayers are answered, because they will be.
For now, for tonight, and tomorrow...I am praying for peace for you and your hubby.
xo!
I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I will be praying for you and your husband!
i'm so choked up right now i don't really know what to say....my heart just aches for you and you are in my prayers...i pray that you get everything that you and your husband deserve...i pray that you get the opportunity to raise your own child...you are going to be such an amazing mother. you are such a lover and a fighter...and such an inspiration. thank you for reminding me what blessings i truly have. i love you klaw...
My boyfriends sister is in the same position as you. Her and my sister were best friends growing up and when my sister got pregnant you could tell it took every ounce of strength she had, and still does, to smile and laugh at him. There's nothing wrong with you if you can't be happy. It's human nature...and if it does bug some people give me their names and i'll kick their ass! Feel better sweetheart!
It's my greatest fear that when we finally decide to have children we won't be able to. I can't imagine what you must be going through, but I admire you for the class you carry yourself with when inside you must be swarmed with jelousy, despair and hope.
You are right, we try to believe those Hallmark-card sayings, but when the sadness decides to overwhelm us, those words are not enough. Your words, however, are perfect. They are honest, they are emotional, they are true. And sometimes just letting out your truth -- no matter how ugly it may be -- helps.
You DO deserve this, and my heart aches for you and Kent because you are such wonderful, loving people. There is a bigger plan, but it sucks that it's not aligned with YOUR plan.
Patience is such a virtue, don't I know it, but it is the one thing that will get you through to the other side. Where you will see the plan revealed and your happiness will be delivered. Keep faith, keep love, keep hope.
~ Jen
I went through this with my sister...She tried and tried and tried and tried some more to get pregnant (it eventually happened). It is devastating and makes you feel sort of a failure, or at least she did. I can't relate, I don't have the right to give you encouragement because I've never been where you are and I can't imagine your hurt. All I can say is that I will pray that you get what your heart desires and for you to peace of mind.
K, why didn't you tell me yesterday? I feel like the biggest jerk right now. I'm so sorry you were/are feeling this.
It's okay to hurt a little (or a lot) at someone else's joy - because your heart is big - in every way so when it's joyful - it's extra joyful and when it's hurt...it's okay. I've learned that having sadness and even a bit of jealousy when hearing baby news, does not make you a bad friend. And anyone who knows you, would know and understand how you feel. Your day will come, so will Sum's and so will mine. And if there's some jealousy (for 10 seconds - or however long) when it happens for the first of the 3 - we'll get through it and know that it does not in anyway mean we're any less happy for that person. And jealous or not, I canNOT wait to hear about your big day. I know it's coming :)
oh my precious kristin...you have every right to be selfish when it comes to this. EVERY RIGHT. even though i was lucky enough to have a son, i think those SAME THINGS when i see those people who have children and they act so unappreciative. i've always said that my one wish is to be able to surrogate a baby for someone who can't carry their own. what a gift that would be to give! i'd be on cloud 9 for the rest of my life if i was able to do this. i ache for people who want a baby so badly. i wish i could take that hurt away.
please know i'm thinking of you and know good things will come your way. :)
I'm sorry Kristin. I'm thinking of you and your husband and hoping for so much happiness for you. It will be such a good day here on the internets when you tell us all some good news. I cannot wait!
xoxo
First let me say sorry for your loss. I myself haven't been through the frustration of wanting a child but not being able to awesomely successful at it...but my sister has, and I saw what she went through...and she said the same thing....how she would be at work and some 17 year old who got ACCIDENTLY pregnant would stroll in, claiming to still smoke cigarettes..etc,...and she didn't even WANT this pregnancy, but is dealing with it! She was angry...and frustrated, and the worse part, there wasn't a dang thing any of us could do to help her, other than to hug her when she needed it, listen when she screamed and slammed her fists in helplessness....BUTTT...she has two beautiful children now, Emma who's now 5 and Lane who is 3.
You should read this blog: http://www.natthefatrat.com
She's trying to get pregnant and struggling too. Perhaps commiseration will give you a little extra strength. She's a great writer I know you will enjoy her...a little cooky, but it's part of her charm i think!
Hang in there....and I'll send lots of positive baby making energy your way!
~hl~
{www.hoscorners.blogspot.com}
I'm so so sorry for the pain you are going through. It really does get better. When we lost our little one, the desolation I felt was horrendous...and sadly I didn't even realize how hard it was for the hubs. But we leaned on each other and eventually the pain become much less raw. I'm of the firm belief that people like yourself who have so much love to give to a child and are so ready to become parents, will. Your forever baby is out there. He or she just isn't quite ready to make an appearance yet. Hang in there! You have a right to your feelings and they're never wrong.
Oh Girl - I so know where you are... I've been there too. It's horrible, and I know that a lot of people don't know what to say - so they just do their best... and after a while, it does get old. I think sometimes the one thing people forget is that when you are able to look back and say things like that - you have the benefit of being on the other side of the hurt... you've had the time to see the plan all the way through to the baby - but when you are waiting - the struggle is hard and it is real.
I am so glad to meet you!
Aww darlin'... i just love ya & you're SO in my prayers!
& you totally DO deserve it.
hey...
I have a feeling you've stopped by my blog before, but this is the first time I've come by here. Brittany Ann's a dear friend of mine and she was sharing how much she appreciates your honesty, which led me here.
I experienced a miscarriage and it's gut-wrenching. I thought I was 10 weeks. Went VERY exitedly to my first ultrasound to find out the baby wasn't alive. I was miserable...for a long time. I wanted to hurt every pregnant woman I saw. I heard some of the most ANNOYING "condolences" EVER. They were RUDE is what they were. The best thing I ever heard was, "this sucks, the situation sucks, and you don't deserve it". Because its true. I didn't want to hear, "My time is coming", or "it was better this way b/c the baby wasn't healthy"...I wanted to punch people who said dumb crap like that.
So listen, I totally get it. I understand exactly what you're feeling. I am pregnant again, but I felt like a nervous wreck through all of it. Miscarriage does change your perspective...but think, now you can help other ladies who go through it, because sadly, there are a lot of us. Also, you know what NOT to say. You GET it.
...xoxo
Hey girl- just read this! I suffered a miscarriage too. Very recently in fact. I feel the same way as you. My heart is bleeding, aching, crying. I wanted that baby so bad.
Now it seems like every corner I turn I see someone who I feel is less capable or able to raise a child either pregnant or with a newborn.
...why can't I? What makes them better than me? I feel like in the end I pay for their kid anyway because they are on state welfare. BLAH... I shouldn't feel that way, and I feel awful that I feel that way... but I do and I cannot help myself.
Anyways, your not alone. I feel your heartache. Anytime you want to chat, I'm here! xoxo
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