I'm not dead

I've only been gone for a hot minute... yeah, sorry about that. A certain little someone has taken over my entire being and I can't seem to function outside of K's Little Law. I start going into convulsions and my google reader taunts me with a months worth of posts that I haven't gotten to. I am a bad blogger friend. Yes, this is true. However, please know I am not far away. And if you ever want to take a gander at my adorbs little law, stop over to the baby blog.

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Remember when you were a kid and it was YOUR birthday party? Remember when you were the center of attention and you had the world by the cajones? That birthday cake was YOURS. Those presents were YOURS. The toys were YOURS. And no matter you were two or twenty two, you secretly relished in the fact that this was YOUR day. You enjoyed that you had the world at your fingertips. That everything was just as YOU would want it.

How selfish we really are as human beings. Of course there is a time to DO YOU as Snookie says (I watch far too much Jersey Shore - holler if ya hear me). But there is also a time to step outside of yourself and do for others.

I have had my fair share of misfortunes. Trials and tribulations. Bad luck and a few general bitch slaps from someone upstairs whom I'm sure to have pissed off in a former life. At 4am when I am exhausted, sleep deprived, and have a screaming 5 week old howling in my ear, it is hard to remember all the good that has come my way.

As I lay my head on my pillow each night, I thank God for all of my blessings. Family. Friends. My job. My Husband. My home. And most recently, my baby boy. He is everything to me. He truly is. My heart beats because of him. He is my literal everything. I also pray each night for those hearts that are burdened.

I am reminded often that I am most certainly NOT the only one at the birthday party anymore. There are others with gifts yet to open. There are others that want to eat birthday cake. There are others who are due for THEIR day. And this is when I begin to crumble. So many of my friends and family want nothing more than to be blessed with the gift that I have been given... a baby of their own. So many others pray for their health. And there are strangers who pray just for their next meal.

Someone once told me that I am far too nice. I don't know that I agree with that. I, like most people, am selfish to a degree. I complain when things don't go my way. I am cranky if I don't get what I want. I get frustrated if someone can't see my point of view. I want to scream when something isn't done my way. But I am also empathetic to the point where its a detriment at times too. I forget that I am entitled to be happy. I am allowed to celebrate the good that I do have. It is okay to smile.

But I battle with knowing that there are others who want what I have. A baby. A job. A husband. A roof over their head. A paycheck. A home cooked meal. Health. And I begin to feel guilty again. Its a never ending cycle and I allow these thoughts to consume me.

Maybe I am too nice after all. Maybe I'm too empathetic. Maybe I am trying to fit into my superwoman costume and save the world, but just can't seem to learn how to fly. Maybe I need to trust in someone higher than me to carry the burdens of others for me. Maybe I just need to live.