Let me tell you something personal. Shocker! I know. I am not one for censoring anything. Obvi.
My nickname in middle / high school was "open coke bottle". Okay, way creative there, assholes. It took me all of two conversations in the girls bathroom after Mr. Kahn's math class to realize that they were talking about my boobs. As in flat as an open coke bottle. As in Kristen has no tatas.
I didn't really learn to appreciate my small, but perfectly respectable A's. I wanted bigguns. I also wanted to marry Joey McIntyre, but that's a story for another day (that involves kissing my NKOTB giant button before bed every night). Once I hit college, my little A's filled out to perfect little B's. Booya! I got some curves ya'll (err, well... about as curvy as you'd consider a 5'8' size 2 (I'll even call myself a bitch for that one).
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| Shannon used to be a perfectly acceptable bra replacement I love my Iphone photo quality and with Best Buy coupons how could you complain |
Then I got married. And then got pregnant (twice). Hello tatas! Where have you been all my life? Bow chicka bow wow. Pam Anderson meets mixed breed of pre-bat shit crazy Britney Spears and beach girl without the fabulous wind blown tresses. That doesn't even make sense.
Tatas during pregnancy are glorious. Except for the whole veiny thing. Those aren't cute. But rock hard double D's are fabulous. Despite tipping the scales at 198lbs (true) at 9 months pregnant, my boobs were zexy!
Oh good LAWD! Then comes the nursing. We're officially hitting porn star status. I could make a buck or two stripping with these bad boys if I had to. I'm sure the frequent patrons of Harry Twatter and The Sorcerers Bone won't care about my nipple leakage.
wah wah wah......
Baby turns one. Boobs deflate faster than Lindsay Lohan's nostrils after a coke binge.
How is it possible to lose the substance? Boobs are still massive, but as my new dear friend Jessica said, they're like empty tube socks. Okay, mine aren't quite that bad (I am lying). But where's the boob job that Husband promised me?
(taps food impatiently)
I would like to invoke my god given right to small but firm boobs after carrying around a 54 lb load of baby nonsense for 9 months. Sure my kid is cute, but I think he'd look better if his mama had nice tatas.
Can I add BOOB JOB to my Amazon wish list?
21 comments:
trust, just b/c they're big doesn't mean they're beautiful. as a DD myself, my tube socks are...well...unsightly
I second that Shannon! Mine didn't grow or change during pregnancy other than to hurt... But after losing 100 pounds - I have tube socks in FULL effect!
OMG... there are way too many things to comment on here. But I'll try to get them all.
A) I am shocked that you were EVER 198 lbs. I've seen preggo pics of you and you do NOT look big.
B) That fact alone makes me happy since I'm 5'8" but we obviously have different body types. I'll ignore that though.
C) Big A WILL be buying me a boob job for my 40th bday after I push out all of his hellion children
D) Deflate faster than Lindsay Lohan's nostrils after a coke binge. BAHAHAHA
You look beautiful!!!
I'm right there with you...I've had small tats my whole life....Was once deemed the President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. After I have kids I will be on the fast track to big boobdom! Not huge, but a little bigger than proportional :) Put me on that list with you!
Even though I'm excited about my new larger tatas after a few hours they get so full of milk they hurt and start to leak which is NOT sexy at all.
If I could keep the size without the milk (once I'm done nursing of course) that would be ideal but I suspect they will deflate and look even smaller than before.
First off.... You had me at Joey McIntyre and NKOTB. To this day, I am still in love with them AND wear a vintage NKOTB shirt... in public. I even saw them in concert with BSB 8 months pregnant!! (no shame). Secondly... I have a serious case of tube boob... I used to have perky "small" B's... now I got me some hang low, wobble to and fro c's. FUCKING SUCKS.
I would GLADLY trade my DDs for a smaller firmer pair! I'm trying to convince Kyle that a breast lift will make a perfect "thanks for having my babies" gift once we're done for good!
I've had double D's since the 8th grade. They don't change no matter how much weight I gain or lose and they didn't even change with my twin pregnancy. I am SO jeaous of girls with little boobs! You can wear one sports bra, you can wear tube tops and backless shirts. All things I won't do until I am done having kids and go to the plastic surgeon and get a nice pair of perky B's. As Nene on RHOA says "so high nipples to the sky!" I can't wait for that day!
I have implants and 1 popped when I was 24 weeks pregnant. I cried in the shower like my life was ending. Then i kept crying for days. Imagine how cute I look with one popped boob. I hate myself. As soon as I am done this whole bf'ing nonsense I am amending this issue!
I hate my d's....i could go on and on but I'm with u, where is that boob job/lift I was semi promised
i heart you! your title was nothing short of genius and sounded like a porn flick ha! if it shows up as a title you should get royalties on it ha! What we do in college after being tipsy lol...love how your friend was a substitue bra for your tatas ha! OMG one of my friend's referred to her tatas after breast feeding as resembling tube socks with golf balls in them ha! She's crazy lol! Girl you look fine sweets, I think we would all like to add boob job to our amazon list! I want one after my massive steroid veiny tatas deflate when I get off steroids. Right now I can't find bras big enough for them. My bestie said omg you are like a size E. I am DD but refuse to by E she tells me they aren't real they are steroid boobs ha! OK so you crack me up with all your boob talk! Here's to your hubs getting you a boob job!
xoxo
Sums
You are gorgeous.
Boobs are a pain in the ass.
I can't believe you ever weighed that much, pregnant or not. I saw the pictures. There's no way.
I am definitely in the nursing/porn star stage (wow, did I really just use those two words together?!) and am kind of dreading what I have in store for me.
Maybe just a lift for my precious bubbies would be nice later in life. I can't believe that isn't a choice on Amazon--just wait, girl!
I was never HUGE....but I was a decent big B small C before I got pregnant....and now. Well, they are still a C....but they are tube sock ish. Not pretty. So, be happy with your tatas! Trust, they are nice!
I came to terms with my post-baby, post-nursing for 11 months boobs, and then lost all the weight, and kinda LIKED my small shrinky boobs (in a nice VS bra, MIND YOU)....and then I got pregnant again, and I HATE how big and god awful heavy they are getting. It kind of disgusts me daily. I guess I'm just never happy. Which is pathetic. But true. Oh gawd. I am scared of what my milk boobies will look like. hold me.
i have totally already told the hubs that once we're done having kids...i want my boobs done. lifted, rejuvenated, whatevs. he loves them now, so he should want me to love them again down the road!
Dude. FOUR KIDS.
Kid one started me at an A, maybe a B on a pms day. After kid 4, I'm hanging out at a DD.
DD. WTF. Those DD's? Tube socks. I have to roll that shit up like an accordion to get those bad boys in a bra. When I lay down, they actually touch my underarms. No. Serious. They do.
Bathing suits? HAH. It ain't pretty
If it makes you feel any better mine are quite mismatched (by almost a whole cup size) and making a beeline for my waist. I think I'll be able to tuck them in soon. They can also be found hiding in my armpits while I sleep. First thing I'm doing when Morgan finally (one day, someday, way way off the future) finishes school and gets a fancy yob is getting a tit lift!
hahahahaha... oh man. dying here. Is it bad to want to get preggers just to leave the IBT committee and join porn star status jugs? Love your blog - so happy to have found it.
NO! You can't. I love you as is. THERE!!! hmpft.
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