March 13, 2012

yet another downfall to the contribution of life

Surprise! You're having a baby.

cue the oooohs and ahhhhs (or perhaps, maybe the oh shits and the fuck my life's depending on your situation).

You start dreaming of  all things baby. The sweet snugly kisses. Rocking ever so gently while breathing in the amazing aroma that only newborn babies heads can do. You envision soccer games, and first dances. Classroom plays, and movie nights at home. Sleepovers and baking cupcakes. Graduation day and sharing a dance on his wedding day.

Now, take off the rose colored glasses and listen to me, bitches.

Having a child is all of that. It's glorious. And beautiful. And miraculous. It's an amazing gift. But with it also comes cavities. Cavities in your ass, in your vagina. Cavities in your sex life. In your social life. In your ability to rationalize the need for basic fundamental life skills. Who needs a shower? Its only been 5 days and I can hardly smell the vomit in my hair anymore. Cavities also form in your brain. And in your short term memory. And then there's just plain cavities.

Before I had Smith I was in the One Cavity in My Life Club. In fact, I was president of that muthafrucka. Then I got all knocked up. And with the saggy boobs, 40" hips, and corroded liver thanks to box-o-delicious, these precious little babes also rob you of healthy teeth.

insert inappropriate caption here


My first checkup since having Smith (I KNOW MOM! STOP YELLING AT ME) and I have 4 cavities that need to be addressed immediately. Two questionable ones. And also required two deep cleanings. All for the low low introductory price of roughly $300 (with insurance). Effing fabulous.

You guys probably think I'm the biggest asshole. All I do is complain about the downside of motherhood.

Of course that's only 5% of it. The shitting of rainbows and puppy dogs out of my asshole isn't nearly as funny though.

So, yeah.


 Photobucket

29 comments:

Kimberly said...

Your so funny!!

♥ Marcy ♥ said...

I concur. Until Shelbs I NEVER had a cavity!!!!

Mrs. Mama said...

1. did you really just take a picture while the dentist is all up in your teeth? haha HIlarious.

2. um while i was pregnant my molar chipped WHILE EATING THE SOFTEST BREAD EVER {Wtf} and as a result i had to endure a root canal and crown.

1100 dollars later.

Yup.

boy i cant wait to do it again! ;)

Abbie said...

Oh girl, I feel you. I hadn't been to the dentist in a year and half (but I don't have kids, so what's my excuse!) and while I didn't have four, I did have one which is bad enough.

Too funny that your dentist let you snap a pic while he was in there (that sounded awful!).

Shannon Dew said...

Thanks for making me laugh today & always <3

Jess @ DudeandSweets said...

Try four pregnancies. I'm surprised I'm not walking around Walmart with a bikini top, cutoffs, and gaps in my mouth.

-Lauren said...

I would love to know the conversation you had with your dentist..umm, can i snap a pic for my blog. So funny! Only bloggers would understand. i am right there with ya girl! I feel kinda guilty about all my bitching. But this is hard! Why, do people ever want another one of these little creatures? Maybe we are just really incredible parents and that's what makes it so hard. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I love birth control. And eww paying for cavities sucks ass.

The Thomas Family said...

Hilarious!

Crystal Renee said...

I love that you are REAL about it. Parenting is not rainbows and unicorns. You are just bold enough to speak about it, and on the world wide web.. that my friend, takes guts! I love your blog. AND WHO CARES WHO DON'T LIKE IT.. tell them to press the red X button (top right hand corner).

Breanna said...

You keep me laughing, sorry it's at your expense (:

Breanna said...

Thanks for keeping me laughing, sorry it's at your expense (:

K said...

Ug. Hate the dentist! HATE HATE HATE. I don't even want to know how BAD my teeth will be after babies. I am supposed to get a crown, but I've been avoiding it... for like a year. Yeah... Ick. Good luck!

Mrs. Newlywed Giggles said...

THat was a funny post to start off my morning with.

elizabeth said...

shit! i haven't been to the dentist since H was 2 months old....

The Macons said...

TRUTH! I went yesterday for the first time since I got preg in 2009... 15 fucking cavities (tiny but STILL!) and 2 crowns.. All for the low low price of $2,800 so yeah. Who the fuck gets 15 cavities?

SG to SP said...

I'm dreading going to the dentist at the end of this month. I went back when I was like 6 months pregnant and already had pregnancy related gingivitis and the lady said my teeth would continue to suffer until after I stopped nursing so lord knows what they'll find. And God knows I don't have time to floss and shit like that (not that I ever flossed before). Also, right after H was born K had to get two crowns replaced to the tune of $1200. Yeah. Good times.

Melissa at Tall Blonde said...

LOL!

I hear ya - just had a root canal a few months ago. Um, yeah, no bueno!

Britt said...

HAHA! I love it. Did you ask la dentist to take that pic of you? if you did, you are my hero. If you weren't already... :)

Allena said...

1 crown (tooth literally crumbled in my mouth - sick), 3 fillings - after 2 cavities at SEVEN. Yup, totally destroyed my teeth!

Mrs EyeCanSee said...

Ugh. That sucks.

I thankfully got a clean bill of health from the DDS last week! Though they did mention I have started to grind my teeth in my sleep. Probably stress related from a certain crazy toddler!

Mommara said...

Oh, girl. I feel your pain. I had to have the deep cleaning done after Jack too. Hurts like a biotch. :( Hope your teeth are sparkly and pain free now. :)

Our Happy Married Life... said...

do not feel bad! I had FOUR cavities after having my daughter last summer. I felt like the biggest loser but after talking to my dental hygenist step mom, she said that is TOTALLY normal. pregnancy kills the teeth. Especially when you don't drink milk. (taking calcium pills now) :)

Tiffany said...

since having kids, my whole mouth is full of fillings.

so, yeah.

Deals, Steals and Heels said...

oh dear lord...i've had more cavities than i can count in my almost-29 years...now a kid will make my teeth rot out even more?? remind me to force my mom the hygenist to do some work under the table for me when the time comes.

Marjorie said...

Well, you're ahead of me! I haven't been to the dentist since before I had Logan! I'm sure I probably have a few cavities that need filled. :(

melifaif said...

Effffff....I so need to go to the dentist!!!!

Summer said...

bwhahaahahahahah and this is why I love you so! You are by far one of the funniest girlies I know! You crack me up! I love how you referenced cavities with motherhood, very clever lol! OMG I need to totally get to the dentist...hahahaha!

love you
Summer

*Katy* said...

don't tease me like that!!! I TOTALLY thought you were pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But yes, having babies KILLS your teeth-I had only ever had FOUR filled in September a mere 2 months after the debut of His Royal Highness :)

Meg {henninglove} said...

ugh i hate going to the dentist and seriously i will delay delay delay going until i really need to. i know that is soo not good at all and can prevent cavities but i seriously hate it.