Have you seen my Husband?
I feel like I need to put his photo on the back of an organic milk carton. He's here. Duh. He hasn't vanished into thin air nor has he finally realized his mistake lack of judgement in marrying me and left me for a slightly younger, much hotter version of myself with way better boobs and less dimples in her ass. Yet.
My heart aches for my family right now. This whole cancer nonsense has turned our world upside down. We get to see Ger regularly, but since he was diagnosed, it seems like we don't see him as often. Some for the influx of visitors that have graced south Florida to see him. And mostly because Grandpa just isn't up for it.
We talk about Grandpa and Grandma most every day. Smith loves them. And get ridiculously excited to see them. I swear it's as if Kent and I disappear into oblivion when they are around. He brings them a lot of joy. Obviously because he's the favorite grandkid. Duh. I kid. (?).
But when we talk about Grandpa, 9 times out of 10, Smith will say "Grandpa at doctors?" referring to when we visited him in the hospital just at his diagnosis (for those new folks, he has lung cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes and now brain - never smoked a day in his life. What a bitch.).
I don't want this to be how he remembers Grandpa. The "old" man that can't get down on the floor to play with him anymore. The man who's too tired and too sick to be able to visit often. The man who loves him more than anything, but just doesn't have it in him to be the Grandpa he knew before the diagnosis.
Just breaks my heart. And Kent's.
Kent is suffering. He doesn't talk about it much, but I worry for him. He's vacant. He's distant. And he's sad. All of this is so hard to handle. This is Kent's father. This is my father-in-law... the only man that I have really known as MY dad too. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make it better. Everything in me says that I need to, that I have to, that I must fix this. I know its not realistic. I know there's really nothing I can do. But I do know that my family is suffering. Watching someone you love go through something so awful. It's indescribable.
I pray for peace for all of us. And healing for Ger, but also for Cath (Kent's mom) and our entire family. This isn't how it was supposed to be.
22 comments:
I am so sorry you are dealing with this friend. Lots of hugs and prayers your way.
It's so hard when things like this happen on a family. We were similar but different when B was in the hospital. There is light on the other side I promise.
There's nothing worse than feeling completely helpless and out of control in a situation. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I can't even imagine. I wish I had some idea to make it all better or to fix it. But I can't. So instead, just know that you and your family are in my thoughts all the time and I am sending every single positive vibe I have!
Thinking of you guys and keep your family, especially Kent's dad in our prayers.
xoxo
All I can say is be with Ger as much as you can. Make memories that you can and will always cherish. I hope and wish for a miracle for him. I do. Smith will know his grandpa and love him dearly because you and Kent will make sure he is talked about and loved. That's my plan, for any future kids I may have. I don't know all the answers, I just know what it's like and how I coped and continue to cope with it.
:::hugs:::
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please know that I'm thinking of you and your family. Hang in there and just do the best you can.
I don't know if you can feel it sweetie but I am wrapping my arms around you all the way from Kentucky! Smith and Kent, too! I just love you to pieces and I absolutely hate to see you guys going through this. I have been through it. It sucks. End of story. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make anybody feel better in a situation such as this other than to just be there. The guilt feeling and feeling helpless all suck. That's all there is to say! If you guys need ANYTHING let me know... I know I know not like I can do much but I am always here if you need somebody! Prayers always for Ger and the entire family.
I hate that you all are going through this. Cancer is such an ugly disease. I hope you all have many more years with Ger and Smith is able to make a lot more happy memories with him.
I understand what you mean about him being the only dad you've ever really had because that's similar to how I feel about my father-in-law. I hate being at the age where so many of us are starting to lose parents.
Sending you lots of hugs.
I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in May and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with because there is just NOTHING I can do. Seeing the strongest man I know struggling through such an unfair and evil disease is so painful.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with, I'm with you.
Sounds like bringing Smith around is good medicine for your FIL, but I understand that you don't want your son to walk away remembering him as a sick man. Needless, there's a lot of love going around in that family of yours and that can be the best medicine. Life has a way of kicking us in the ass sometimes and dealing with crap. Keep your head up, as always. I know you will.
My KLAW, my beautiful, funny, crazy, ladycakes, my heart breaks for you! It isn't how it was supposed to be, life stinks sometimes, and we ask why?, we want to know why and we are left wondering and praying that all will be ok all will turn out ok! When Greg's dad got lung cancer I didn't want to mention this to you much because I know what you are dealing with and I didn't want to scare you, he never smoked a day in his life, Greg was traveling with him to Johns Hopkins for repeated surgeries on his lungs and he was hurting inside so badly, I wanted to fix it, I didn't know how! I just became the person he could talk to when he needed it his comfort and let it be when he didn't! His daddy my FIL which was like a second daddy to me passed when we had our miscarriage at 12 weeks...I was carrying around a fetus that wasn't alive waiting for my body to have the miscarriage and at a funeral all at the same time! It was HELL! I mean pure utter HELL! My heart breaks for you friend and although I have no idea what your are going through I get it but I don't! You text me girlie we need to talk, we have lots we can talk about! Now it's the same with me and all this sickness shit that I want to go away and the hubs is so distant but there because he is so scared and he cried the hubs cried, he never does when he saw surgeons, machines, tubes, etc all over me on Monday he was helpless and pissed at the world, we talked and we to discovered this isn't how it was supposed to be, but it is how it is and we will deal with the cards we were dealt! Oh and Smith will remember his GPa for being awesomesauce, the one who loves him to the moon and back and the one who he loves ditto, but you know I have a feeling that he won't have to remember all of that because GPa is going to be ok and if something tragic were to happen Smith has some pretty awesome parents who will make sure he remembers him in the most awesome way! Littles are pretty resiliant sweetie, so don't worry your pretty little head to much, and um have you looked in the mirror? Cause you must be damn blind if you don't think you look like a 24 year old hottie, who has never beared a child and should be on the cover of some magazine that I say oh GOD I wish I looked like her bwhahahahah! So yes sweetie you're pretty hot and awesome and I just wrote a novel AGAIN, lol, that's why twitter hates me hahahhahaah love me
Cancer is a big, ugly bitch. I am so sorry that your family is struggling with this. Lots of good thoughts sent your way.
I hate this so much for you and your family. Yes, it's a bitch. Longer cancer and never smoked, wtf?! I'll never forget when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. He was my dad's best friend and slowly my Dad became very similar to how you're describing your husband right now. I can't imagine the hurt my dad, your husband or you are feeling right now. But I have no doubt you'll ensure Smith remembers his grandpa well and cherishes these days with him. Stay strong girl, it will rub off on everyone else, I promise.
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I'll be praying for peace for you and your MIL, FIL, husband and Smith.
My husband lost his father about 4 years ago suddenly to a heart attack and I know exactly what you mean when you say that watching someone you love hurting so badly is the worst thing in the world. There was nothing I could do or say to make it better yet every piece of me wanted to fix this for my husband. It's awful. The only piece of advice is just be there (obviously) but when I didnt know what to say to my husband I said just that... "I dont know what to say to help or make this better but I'm here and I love you."
Sending prayers your way.
I have so much to say to this post...and don't know that I even can right now. My son has never met my dad who died when I was 22. His dad's mom died when he was 4 months old. I have pictures of them together which is comforting to ME, but he has no memory.
It IS hard, Kristen and I remember looking at my {then} husband on the way home {SC to TN} from his mom's funeral and just literally feeling heartbroken because I could not fix it.
Love and embrace all the moments you have together!! I'm so very sorry...
Gah, having just walked this road earlier this year when my dad died from brain cancer, your words hit so close to home! Praying for your FIL and the whole family. Cancer sucks and it's hard to understand why!!!! Plain sucks!!
You've got one thing right and that's that there is NOTHING. NOT ANYTHING. that you can do to fix it. I went thru this same scenario last summer with my boyfriend's mother. Its not fair. And your husband will retreat some. Men are so much freaking different than women. I cried more than he did. But little by little, as time has gone on, we've gotten to the point where feelings can be expressed now. But we're NOWHERE close to being done grieving. I'm not sure he'll ever be the same again. Time heals everything. But know that you being there for him, even just in a touch or a hug, he knows it. Keeping you all in my prayers.
Logan was 3, maybe 4, when we lost my grandmother to lung cancer. She lived in PA but they were very close and spent a good deal of time together. We went to visit her as often as possible during her decline. She was on oxygen and constantly exhausted, but he didn't care, he was just happy to be spending time with his Gigi. I have some really amazing pictures from our last visit with her of them playing together and also napping together on the couch. Anyway, my point is, when Logan talks about his Gigi, he doesn't remember her being sick or tired or weak. He remembers all the stuff they did together and how much he loved her. Smith will be the same, I'm sure.
I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Cancer is a bitch it sucks I hate it. My mom has had two different types of cancer. Keep strong and I will pray for your Grandpa and all of your family.
This tugs at my heart....and my tears. I am so sorry....just know I am praying so very hard for you all.
Oh Honey! I am so sorry. I am new to your blog and am catching up on old posts and just read this one- it made me cry. My heart hurts for you and your family. I am so sorry ya'll are having to go through this. I am praying for you all and sending you hugs and good wishes.
Post a Comment