Have you seen my Husband?
I feel like I need to put his photo on the back of an organic milk carton. He's here. Duh. He hasn't vanished into thin air nor has he finally realized his
mistake lack of judgement in marrying me and left me for a slightly younger, much hotter version of myself with way better boobs and less dimples in her ass. Yet.
My heart aches for my family right now. This whole cancer nonsense has turned our world upside down. We get to see Ger regularly, but since he was diagnosed, it seems like we don't see him as often. Some for the influx of visitors that have graced south Florida to see him. And mostly because Grandpa just isn't up for it.
We talk about Grandpa and Grandma most every day. Smith loves them. And get ridiculously excited to see them. I swear it's as if Kent and I disappear into oblivion when they are around. He brings them a lot of joy. Obviously because he's the favorite grandkid. Duh. I kid. (?).
But when we talk about Grandpa, 9 times out of 10, Smith will say "Grandpa at doctors?" referring to when we visited him in the hospital just at his diagnosis (for those new folks, he has lung cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes and now brain - never smoked a day in his life. What a bitch.).
I don't want this to be how he remembers Grandpa. The "old" man that can't get down on the floor to play with him anymore. The man who's too tired and too sick to be able to visit often. The man who loves him more than anything, but just doesn't have it in him to be the Grandpa he knew before the diagnosis.
Just breaks my heart. And Kent's.
Kent is suffering. He doesn't talk about it much, but I worry for him. He's vacant. He's distant. And he's sad. All of this is so hard to handle. This is Kent's father. This is my father-in-law... the only man that I have really known as MY dad too. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make it better. Everything in me says that I need to, that I have to, that I must fix this. I know its not realistic. I know there's really nothing I can do. But I do know that my family is suffering. Watching someone you love go through something so awful. It's indescribable.
I pray for peace for all of us. And healing for Ger, but also for Cath (Kent's mom) and our entire family. This isn't how it was supposed to be.