I have gotten very complacent over the past few months. Finding myself just going through the motions.
I am feeling pretty bummed out. It's not just one thing. A few things that have been burdening my heart and leaving me feeling like I don't really have a purpose. Or at least a useful one.
My only purpose these days is feeling responsibility. Responsibility to take care of a growing toddler. Reminding myself to cherish every moment with him at this age because I don't want this little guy to get any bigger. He's perfect as he is. But also wishing away the days because I just feel like I don't matter other than to do the laundry. Buy groceries. Cook dinners. Clean the house. Responsibility to come to work and manage my time between 4 studios and 4 bosses. Responsibility to have all the I's dotted and the T's crossed. Responsibility to be home and available each and every day to everyone else.
Except I'm not being responsible for myself. I am not taking care of me.
I haven't found the time to use a massage gift certificate Kent gave me for Mother's Day.. you know, the Mother's Day that was 7 months ago? I can't tell you the last time I got my hair cut. Or went to a happy hour with my girlfriends. Or went to see a movie. Or just had a day to sleep and relax.
I feel pretty frumpy. Like a used-up housewife. Except I work a 40 hour a week full time job then to come home and work as a mom and a wife. And then to be an Owner of an Invitation and Stationery business. Where am I? Who am I?
I don't feel valued. I don't feel good inside. I don't feel content. I don't feel loved (much). I don't feel desired. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel anything other than a mixture of numb, anxious, and frustrated.
I feel like I knew who I was at 25 better than I do right now at 33. I feel like my entire life is dedicated to someone else. Something else. But somewhere along the lines, I got put last. By my own hand, sadly. And by putting myself last, I think it naturally happens that others put me last too.
Why should anyone care about building me up if I can't even do it for myself?
This isn't a woe is me post. This is just about me bleeding my heart because I am not fully capable of speaking the truth out loud to those around me or those that will listen. I have amazing friends and a great family. But sometimes just writing it out is all the therapy I need.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine a little brighter. And maybe a passionate hug will lift my spirits. Maybe Husband will look at me and tell me I'm beautiful and those words will be all I need. Maybe I will get a little surprise to brighten my day. Maybe's...
All I know right now is that I have to take care of myself. I forgot about her. And from what I can remember, behind all the stress and responsibility, she was a cool chic.
31 comments:
Yep. On all accounts. Times six. With a carried two.
Please don't think this way about your self! You are beautiful!! Maybe you can ask the Husband to watch Smith for an hour or 2 and let you go get that massage asap! Keeping my fingers crossed your day gets a better love.
I hope your day gets brighter and you find some me time!
This is beautifully honest and I can relate...although I don't think I entirely realized this is the exact truth for me until I read your words and thought, "yes, yes, I understand!"
Even though I just read your blog, I think you're incredible! Take time for you so you can be the best you that this world loves and needs!
Have a great day!!
You still are that cool chic but I know what you mean. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the routine of life. I think becoming a mother really changes everything about who you are, how you think, what you feel. It is okay to change, accept, and embrace the new you. I know it is easier said than done. Love you. Maybe what you need is a weekend with your oldest friend and her crazy family!!!!
You have had a lot going on. 2012 was a repeated kick in the crotch for you. It's completely understandable that things got put on the back burner. The important part is that you realized it and you DO something about it. I mean, I know it is easier said than done, but do something special for yourself. Make it happen. And if I have to escape the cold Massachusetts winter and come down to Florida to watch Smith so you can have that time...then that's a sacrifice I am willing to make! Seriously though...do something special for yourself. You are amazing and you deserve it!
I'm sorry you feel like you've lost yourself a little. I really have no insight to this just because I'm not a mom yet, but I know that my mom still struggles with this, but in a different way. It's more that she's struggling to re-define who she is and what her role is in our family now that we're all adults. I think mom's go through so many transformations as they live and grow so it's only natural to feel a little lost in the fog sometimes.
Bottom line, you are a great mom with an awesome family but you need to make yourself a priority more. Take that massage and book it - don't cancel. Take an hour to yourself and get a pedicure while you indulge in bad magazines. The little things can do so much and make you feel totally rejuvenated. You've spent so much time putting someone else first...but now it's time for you. Don't ever feel guilty for that because it's something everyone needs.
I also think it's time for another visit with Mrs. Dew as well! You guys had so much fun together!
WOW! You put this into words so well. I literally just got off the phone with my husband saying basically this post... "I don't feel valued. I don't feel good inside. I don't feel content. I don't feel loved (much). I don't feel desired. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel anything other than a mixture of numb, anxious, and frustrated". Thanks for this, I really needed it!
I'm sorry sweetie - I start back to work monday from my maternity leave and I have a feeling I will be in your same shoes at that point. Maybe we can bounce off each other! Hang in there!
My KLAW take a look at that uber awesome photo you posted up there, you are one hot momma! I love that hat omg lots of girlies can't rock it and when you find time for yourself after that teach me how to do my eye makeup like that lol ha!
It is so easy to fall into the motions my sweets. My heart hurts for you for I know all you are going through and it's alot. You have so much on you, plus your business, your work, then full time mommy and wifey and well other than your box of delicious in the evenings that you manage to slurp down when you can you don't have much time for you!
I think you are just as gorgeous as ever, I think your still the most amazing friend a girl could ask for, you even took time out to ask and check on me going through all of this so you know for damn sure I'm gonna be right here for you!
I am so glad you poured your heart out although it makes mine sad that yours is hurting.
Hey Kent if your reading tell miss beautiful up there eeer well down there since she's in Flordia I'm in WV ha, that she is uber gorgeous, uber fabulous, give her flowers, a massage and have the in laws watch Smith while you two go get that massage and dinner a movie and then some much needed bow chicka bow wow...yes I said it lol ha!
Kristen I love you girl, you are amazing, please don't feel other wise....and you know forever and ever my doll you will be!
love
Sums
Man alive...did you just get in my head and type out exactly what I am feeling? I swear...these are my exact sentiments. Before going to bed last night, I was really upset and just plain down in the dumps. My husband said to me last night (after we had a terrible argument....about kids) that "Tomorrow is a new day and can be a better day". I scoffed a bit, but honestly, this morning, those words resounded more clearly!! Thank goodness we have another day to make it better. Keep your head up. You aren't alone...and tomorrow can and will be a better day!
Yep. Pretty much this exactly. I think most mothers feel this way at some point. I love my kid to the ends of the Earth but there are definitely days I miss my responsibility-free younger days.
You are gorgeous. We are all our own worst critic- I hope this feeling is short lived for you. Keep your chin up!
Right there with you. As mothers, I think it's our nature to put everyone else first and ourselves last. I joked to my husband the other day that "2013 is the Year of Rachel." I'm not sure if he understood that I wasn't just blowing smoke, but either way - I'm going to make it happen. You can, too! Make this YOUR year, mama - you deserve it! :)
This seriously hurt my heart. I seriously do love you and hearing that you feel this way makes me totes sad. You are an amazing person... you definitely deserve to give more to yourself... BUT, with that said, you are not alone in feeling this way... I feel like my job never ends. I NEVER have any me time... ever!
Sounds like you are writing my biography!! :) It's good to read this and all the other comments to remind me I'm not the only one! God designed us to be the rock for everyone else, I believe! It will get better. It comes and goes for me and I get a lot more ME time now that my kids are older, but sometimes the feelings are the same! Keep pushing through and live each day for what it is. I have a strong Faith that we will be rewarded one day for being such awesome women!!! :))
Yup...feel this way often, but at least you still manage to look amazing.
Oh a side note...I just used my gift certificate for a massage last friday. Guess when i got it??? Last Christmas (2011). Hope you get a spa day soon!
all the time. And the worst part is feeling like you're not doing it right. Like maybe there's an easier way, a way that makes life simple and pretty and perfect. And that maybe all these other people know the secret, and no ones telling you.
So if I ever find it(the illuminated manuscript of how to be kick ass), I'll let you know.
I think everyone goes through a time when they feel like this. I know I did a few months ago. I felt like all I did was go to work where people were always asking me to do stuff for them. Then I'd come home where my husband was constantly asking me to do stuff that he was just as capable of doing and he didn't always ask nicely it was more like he just assumed I would do it. I felt like if I left the only reason people would notice was because stuff wasn't getting done. Hang in there. It'll get better.
oh my goodness, I feel like I could have written this exact blog post! Just another reason I LOVE reading your blog, because you are real and so relatable! We need to start taking care of us! So the ones we do take care of can share in the best part of us. You may have just given me the motivation I needed to get started. Thank you!
YES. I feel the exact same way these days...and like nothing I do is ever enough. I can literally spend all day and night giving of myself and there's still laundry not washed and put away and the baseboards still don't get scrubbed. Like, I love being a mom, but maybe I'm not cut out to be a SAHM because I'm a terrible housecleaner. Ugh. Hugs.
WOW how is it sometimes you can read a blog and relate to every word that is written (minus store add pool business - same thing). I think it is a constant battle of trying to BE there for everyone else in our lives but us. I made a vow to myself first and it has its wonderful moments but I need to REMIND myself to do it. So book that massage, get your hair cut, shave your legs and go out for a night on the town OR a movie OR dinner whatever you like to do (I swear I can't hang with the all nighters anymore).
Wishing 2013 is a year for YOU>
It must be in the water because I am feeling it too. The pressure is intense. Some days I just want to walk away and be me. Can't really remember who the true me is though... scary.
I've felt that way... several time - minus the 'being a mom' part. My husband has to go to work VERY early so he is usually in bed by 8pm. There are times I feel like he would rather be sleeping that with me. I feel less than sexy or even desirable. I'm current on a big "gym rat" streak and it's helping, but I still feel like R doesn't find me as desirable as he once did. Fingers crossed I get our of this slump.
You're not alone, sister.
I completely, 110% agree with this. I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I am 31 and a mom/wife. But I have no personal time outside of that. I have an extremely needy toddler. When she's finally in bed I have a husband. At time I have to force myself to muster time with him because all I truly want to do is have "me" time. I'm not taking good care of myself. The only thing I'm looking forward to now is our vacation, alone, for a week. But then I feel TERRIBLE for leaving my 18 month old for a week. It never ends...:-)
Girl, if you can't vent here, where can you vent??? We all just need to get it out sometimes!! I hope the sun is shining brighter for you!! XOXOXO :)
I feel like I could have written this exact post.
I can't even tell you how bad I needed to read this, like right this very second of this very day. I've been trying to spit these very words out for about six months. Hell, I even planted myself on the couch of a therapist and was in denial after the fact that she was telling me "you just have taken on too much, let some things go." I don't remember the last time I spent an hour focusing, breathing in ME, only ME. When you figure out the balance please fill me in. Thank you so much for making me feel like Im not batshit cray!
You took the words right out of my mouth. My therapist told me once that until I started putting myself first, that I wasn't helping anyone. It's hard, and I don't always do it. But when I do take care of myself first, my life is so much better.
It will get better. I promise you.
Knucks, Sister. I consider myself a bit of a wordsmith... You just managed to articulate what I haven't been able to for about 3 years. Let's become BFFs and run away to Napa for four days. You certainly are not alone.
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