I have gotten very complacent over the past few months. Finding myself just going through the motions.
I am feeling pretty bummed out. It's not just one thing. A few things that have been burdening my heart and leaving me feeling like I don't really have a purpose. Or at least a useful one.
My only purpose these days is feeling responsibility. Responsibility to take care of a growing toddler. Reminding myself to cherish every moment with him at this age because I don't want this little guy to get any bigger. He's perfect as he is. But also wishing away the days because I just feel like I don't matter other than to do the laundry. Buy groceries. Cook dinners. Clean the house. Responsibility to come to work and manage my time between 4 studios and 4 bosses. Responsibility to have all the I's dotted and the T's crossed. Responsibility to be home and available each and every day to everyone else.
Except I'm not being responsible for myself. I am not taking care of me.
I haven't found the time to use a massage gift certificate Kent gave me for Mother's Day.. you know, the Mother's Day that was 7 months ago? I can't tell you the last time I got my hair cut. Or went to a happy hour with my girlfriends. Or went to see a movie. Or just had a day to sleep and relax.
I feel pretty frumpy. Like a used-up housewife. Except I work a 40 hour a week full time job then to come home and work as a mom and a wife. And then to be an Owner of an Invitation and Stationery business. Where am I? Who am I?
I don't feel valued. I don't feel good inside. I don't feel content. I don't feel loved (much). I don't feel desired. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel anything other than a mixture of numb, anxious, and frustrated.
I feel like I knew who I was at 25 better than I do right now at 33. I feel like my entire life is dedicated to someone else. Something else. But somewhere along the lines, I got put last. By my own hand, sadly. And by putting myself last, I think it naturally happens that others put me last too.
Why should anyone care about building me up if I can't even do it for myself?
This isn't a woe is me post. This is just about me bleeding my heart because I am not fully capable of speaking the truth out loud to those around me or those that will listen. I have amazing friends and a great family. But sometimes just writing it out is all the therapy I need.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine a little brighter. And maybe a passionate hug will lift my spirits. Maybe Husband will look at me and tell me I'm beautiful and those words will be all I need. Maybe I will get a little surprise to brighten my day. Maybe's...
All I know right now is that I have to take care of myself. I forgot about her. And from what I can remember, behind all the stress and responsibility, she was a cool chic.