I am usually as honest and truthful as it gets on this blog, but one thing that I have been intentionally not speaking about for a variety of reasons. But today is one of those days where I throw caution to the wind, chug an extra glass of wine, and slap a taco on my ass.
I went to the doctor yesterday to find out what the fuck is infecting me. The standard practice ensued… sign in, copay, wait in lobby and stalk Instagram, hear your name called and walk into the back, step on the scale, remembering to take off your shoes and put down your 20lb handbag.
I see the nurse practitioner move the big weight to the 50 mark and my heart sinks. Too heavy… and I dance a little in my head. Next weight back, but then the smaller weight slides far, far to the right. 148. And my heart cries a little again.
I’m not claiming to be overweight. Not the case at all. I am 5’8” and 148 lbs as of yesterday after a pound of chips and salsa and a bean burrito for lunch. Dead in the middle of “normal” weight for height. Numbers typically don’t mean much to me, but for some reason, this one hit me hard. Probably because it’s the heaviest I have ever been sans pregnancy.
My mind starts wandering to that deep, dark place where you start questioning how you really look. Does Husband find me attractive anymore? But I just wore skinny jeans yesterday and thought I looked pretty good. Bikini season is just around the corner… am I going to have to be in a mom suit instead of the latest VS sparkly bit?
Completely irrational. Completely unintentional. Completely ridiculous. But for me, I am struggling. One minute I love my curves. I have boobs now. I have thighs. I have a butt. I am round and womanly. But the other side of the fence is that I’m not 125 lbs anymore. And if the past three years is any indication, I won’t be 125lbs ever again. I grew up the skinny little shit that couldn’t put on weight if my future with Joey McIntyre depended on it.
I just want to be happy in my skin. I want to not yoyo in my opinions on myself. I want to look in the mirror EVERY DAY and know that I am perfect for me. And others opinions don’t matter. Easier said than done of course.
I think of my son. I want him to be proud of his mom. I want to be healthy for him. I want him to look at his mom and see a strong and confident woman, not a shell of a person just trying to keep up with the ideal of perfection in someone else’s eyes. I want him to grow up and love women regardless of their size.
I need to learn to brush off the self-doubt and celebrate the jiggle if some days it means that I can indulge in that extra glass of mommy juice. I am going to embrace it all, regardless of the number, and just be me.
18 comments:
The numbers on the scale KILL me. Regardless of what it says it is like piped into me that it needs to be smaller - AGH. You look awesome momma... But I can sympathise with the whole looking and feeling good for me (well and the husband too) BUT with the amount of times I am swatting his hands away, I have to think he still finds me attractive:)
I think you look great!! I definitely get it though. I was 117 lbs when we got married and I'm now about 15 lbs heavier and it's all in my belly. Though I know I'm not overweight, I don't feel as confident
For what it's worth, you are a hot piece of ass to me. I saw your ass in a bathing suit and I would KILL to look that way in one. So, there's that.
Kristen, I cried when reading this because this is exactly what has been going on in my head lately. Must be a Scorpio thing. I am so unhappy with myself; however, the one thing that keeps me in check are my two little girls. I don't want them growing up feeling insecure about their bodies like I did (and have) all my life.
Thanks for being so honest! And for what its worth, I think you look amazing.
My heart breaks reading this! I love you...everything about you. Your honesty, your humor, your beauty, your love for your family, the way you are with Smith, the way you put everyone before yourself...EVERYTHING. You are such a beauty in my eyes and I hope you know that about yourself. Weight ain't no thang :) You are one sexy lady in every way imaginable.
Girl I hate the scale so much and people always say "man you don't look like you weight that much". Truth of the matter is - I DO!!!!!! I think you are gorgeous - screw the scale.
I am a new follower, but I love your blog so far. You are so honest with your thoughts and feelings. One thing you have to remember is that you are woman. That stupid # on the scale pisses everyone off unless you are one of the lucky ones losing weight! So take a deep breath and if your clothes still fit the same then go ahead and rock that VS swim suit!! Even if things get a little tighter, you can still rock that VS swim suit, it is really all about confidence and girl you got it!! You are just having a bad day, us mommies are allowed to have those from time to time! Get to feeling better!!
Lady you have always been and will continue to be one of the prettiest women I know. But I can understand not being happy with your body especially after baby. I'm back down to my pre-preg weight but my body does NOT look the same, I have a belly pooch that refuses to leave and BFing made my boobs even smaller which I didn't think was possible. So even though I like the number on the scale I still don't really like how I look. I guess it's part of growing a human.
I'm so glad that you lay it all out there like you do :) That said, you look fab-u-luss!! However, I get the whole "feeling like total chubs" thing...I recently lost about 40 pounds and have noticed that 10 of those m-effers and crept their way back on. Grrr...but, that just means it's time to get motivated. There are beers to be had and I don't want them all ending up on my ass.
I don't know know you but from what I have learned about your through your blog and our emails, you are one of the kindest, most beautiful ladies. Inside and out. Love yourself. Plenty of us already do.
Well I think you look great, but I understand completely. I feel like it gets harder as we get older. I'm freaked out about what I'm going to look like after this baby comes out. Will I ever feel good enough to wear a bikini again. I don't want to be "that" wife or mom. I try not to dwell too much because I don't want to raise Mia to be concerned about image 24/7, but that is so much easier said than done.
For what it's worth,I think you are one hot mama - you have the best outfits and always look put together, so you want some mommy juice every so often, who cares - as long as youre happy! And I might be losing weight, but I will NEVER give up the mommy juice :)
Maybe it's because I'm getting old, but the number on the scale doesn't phase me as much anymore. Although, it appears as though you & I are pretty much the same size as I am clocking in around 145 and I'm in between 5'8 and 5'9. Except I'm the lowest weight I've been in YEARS now (my highest pre-preg was 186) I wrote about my weight loss story (with pics) on my blog not too long ago.
But my point is- you LOOK GREAT. EMBRACE those CURVES! You're a strong, beautiful woman- enjoy it! :)
I am also an addict to the number on the scale. As of lately, I've been seriously weighing myself like everyday to make sure that number isn't going up. It's bad....but at the same time, it makes me feel better. So, I completely get where you are coming from, but honey, you are hot, and you don't need to worry about anything!
ugh, those numbers are the WORST...even if it's good for others, it sucks when you see something you don't like!
it also especially sucks when you've got a husband who just TAKES A WALK during lunch every day and drops a few pounds a week. he's already FULLY aware that if he weighs less than me...i'm sneaking lard into his food.
You're not the only one that struggles and asks similar questions. Thank you for posting this with such honesty!
Sheree
The Hartungs Blog
thehartungs.blogspot.ca
I think you're pretty great, inside and out. But I also know that what you're feeling...way too many, if not all of us reading, can relate to. Don't be too hard on yourself, lady. You're beautiful just the way you are. 148 or 125.
Kristen - can you please NOT approve my previous comment, as I wrote it under my actual name? Here it is under my blogger name:
It's (partly) because of you (partly because of a great living social deal and mostly because of a friend that is egging me on), that I'm shaking my fears (nevermind, I'm scared shtless) and doing a boudoir shoot on Sunday. Holy shtballz. Take a look at those pix you had taken of yourself - hope that's a reminder that you're a sexy btch. the number is a stupid bastard. i started working out and for a while the number went UP! just take care of yourself and everything falls into place. XO.
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