This weekend was our first overnight away from Smith in about a year. Thank God Grandma came to the rescue just in time before I just ripped open the cardboard and stuck my face into the next box of pinot grigio. To say that Smith is challenging is a bit of an understatement. Comparable to an understatement saying that I just really don’t like Miley Cyrus. Or that I have a small distaste for Asian food.
We dropped Smith off at Grandmas about 4pm and headed home for a little R&R before heading out to dinner and to Laser Wolf where Kent was DJing their 2 year anniversary party. Craft beer + date night – toddler responsibilities = Mommy finds her inner, careless 26 year old self and relishes in every moment of it, all while being responsible and not drinking my face off so as to waste a day off recovering.
We enjoyed breakfast the next day. Followed by a leisurely 4 hour nap before we picked up the heathen and had reality smack us in the ass with a dose of tantrum and multiple refusals to listen.
Monday morning started off reasonable. And actually quite romantical and shit because we were still in the I missed my baby phase. Until it was time to get dressed and Smith decided to turn himself inside out at the thought of removing his pajamas, resulting in mama losing every last bit of self-control and emotional steadfast that I ever had.
I wasn’t a good mom that morning.
Smith cried like I had never seen. And I spent the remainder of my day at work holding back the tears at how disappointed I was at myself for losing control. I feel like a failure. A terrible failure. I failed him. I failed to keep a promise I had made to myself. I scared my son to the point that he didn’t want to even be near me.
I know as parents, we sometimes find ourselves struggling. Realistically, I know this. Ideally I understand that I am going to have tremendous successes and big failures. But this is the first time I have ever scared myself. I am not together. I am not doing well.
All you new followers from the giveaway? Sorry this is your introduction to my life. But this is where I am today. Perhaps tomorrow will bring jokes about suffocating vaginas. But today, I am not well.
24 comments:
My KLaw I love you! I know your like well shit that's not helping ha!, but I want you to know you are a great momma, wife, successful business woman and you are just overwhelmed. You needed the night with the hubs, those crepe things looked amazing, and you enjoyed the night out. Sounds like Smith has a big dose of I want to be independent oh my that stage is hard girlfraaaan not gonna lie but you will get through it you will. If that means you have to let him wear a pajama shirt and swear pants around the house while you gain your composure to start round two of dressing go for it. I know you are gonna wanna kick me in the vjj for this but this morning k was refusing to wear anything that looked rockstar ha! So after a gazillion changes I said ok put on you uggs she said I don't have pants on I said well girlfriend pick a pair or undies it is lol guess what she picked a pair ha! So we all go through it my love and yes the mommy guilt bites us right in the ass at times but know you are a good mom and smurf will thank you later for not letting him wear pjs to school lol love you Sums
I think we all have days we were don't feel like good moms. It happens.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Toddlers are the worst and I have totally been there with the totally losing self control. It happens. Just don't beat yourself up over it. Patience is my worst virtue and it turns out you need a lot of it with a toddler so I struggle a lot. I hope it gets better.
I feel the same. Everyday. Like I'm failing... Like I suck. Big time. I get it. I'm can understand your frustration. Just know that you're awesome. And that you're not alone. Ever :)
I know where you're coming from, without a doubt. All moms have these days and we beat ourselves up 10x more than we should. By tonight it will be a thing of the past in your little one's mind and all he'll want is a big hug from mommy. Hang in there, and know that you aren't the only mom who's ever lost her shit.
New follower...but this post was perfect for me to read because I just had that same morning and I am still angry. Haven't made it to the guilty part yet...not sure I will. This is my second time around with that stage and I'm fearing that I'm going to have more of these days than I can handle.
Sounds like an awesome weekend! Those crepes look amazing.
Sheree
The Hartungs Blog
thehartungs.blogspot.ca
Don't worry too much about losing it with Smith. We all do it. Sometimes mommies just have enough and crack. It happens. Even though he's young a good apology always helps.
I've had more of those moments than I'd like to admit to and I've always walked away afterwards then gone back and told my rugrat that I'm sorry, that I over reacted, that it wasn't ok for me to act that way and explain why I was upset. She has always had an "it's ok mommie" followed by a big hug and wet kiss waiting for me.
Toddlers are assholes. Plain and simple. They all are. They all do it. And when he becomes a teenager and wants to go to school in his pajamas, you can let him because getting him dressed wont be your responsibility anymore.
I love and appreciate your honesty.
We all fail at patience, mommyhood and our kids can be little shits....i like how you're not afraid to admit all of this!
Hang in there and take YOU time and know you are not alone in these feelings!!
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Being a mom/parent is the hardest job there is and you're figuring it out and it's not going to be easy - nothing rewarding is easy.
He's not going to remember this morning once he wakes up tomorrow and you'll get the shot to try again.
It's a growth opportunity - keep smiling, you're a great mom and Smith loves you - we all have hard days.
:)
i was at that point, and sometimes still am, and was so desperate i booked a therapy session and my first night away from my 2 boys under 2 this past Saturday. 2 intense therapy sessions and one nice overnight getaway later, i am a bit better and more at peace but heres the fact i know for sure:
Toddlers are Hard. Really, really hard. They could test a saint's patience.
But I find when I'm at my worst, they are ten times worse, so we as Mommies need to take our own self-inflicted time outs when needed.
Please do more for yourself. I read religiously everyday, just often don't have time to comment. But you are the realest biotch blogger out there. Stay somewhat sane so we have more to read :) Love you!
as i type this my son has said bagel whichis on the tablefor him Ten Million Times.
I think you should read this article. It's a great read!
http://www.renegademothering.com/
You are DEFINITELY not the only mom to scare their kids, or to regret doing so. I've been there, and I hated myself for it. But THANK GOD, these kids get over things and realize that we aren't the monsters we act like sometimes. And, THANK GOD, we know our children aren't the monsters they act like sometimes!
OMG girl you are definitely the NORM. I lose it too - like this morning Elle wanted to wear a yellow sweater - I wanted her to wear the white one that had sleeves, was more practical, and actually FIT. Of course I was going to WIN... but I lost... she wore the yellow one and I may have told her that she will be going to school in pajamas the next time she questioned my clothing choices.
We have our moments - kids are great but trying too. Hang in there I know those days you wish you could "do over" I have them PLENTY.
I know it's hard to hear, but youre not a "bad mommy" I think that guilt and frustration go hand in hand with being a mom - last week I turned into "mean mommy" too and scared myself - it was so stupid all over getting dress (apparently Smith and Amelia dont like to take their jammies off!) since then I have tried to reign in the crazy - it's so hard because I am in a rush and she just wants me - so Im waking up a bit earlier than usual to have quality amelia/mommy time and it's working - dont worry mama - youre a wonderful mom - if you werent this wouldnt have bothered you!
New follower, not scared away;-) Like they all said, none of us are perfect at motherhood (or life in general), but I think part of what makes reading/writing blogs is just this, to help each other and feel normal for the craziness that is our lives with kids every once in awhile!
Hang in there. No parent is ever perfect. Remember, it's a work in progress. xoxo thinking of ya!
ive been there. ive scared my little boy too when mommy yelled too much. heck last night after the bedtime battle i felt just like you do now. you know what made it better for me? after realizing that i had lost control and that no matter how much he disobeys i have no right to treat him like that, i went upstairs, got him out of bed and cuddled with him til he fell asleep. i apologized and asked him to forgive me for getting angry and then he said sorry too! (hes 2.5) - i would recommend reading the book Scream Free Parenting.
my parents were yellers so thats all i knew but i really dont want to be the yelling mom who scares her children.
good luck in the hard days!
I'm new to your blog but I think all moms can agree...we have all been where you are at. I definitely have and go through the same guilt you are feeling. I think it is totally normal and the fact that you see what you're doing or rather, what you did is good. I don't have a clear answer, suggestion...just really support and for you to know you're not alone. I have a 14 year old and a 4 year old and regularly lose my shit every now and again. I apologize to my kids and tell them I'll do my best not to do it again, blah, blah, blah and we move on. they still tell they love me and I'm the bestest mommy ever...ok well the 4 year old does. the 14 year old just looks at me like I'm from another planet. lol...
hang in there...
I thinks every Mom has been there. And if she says she hasn't- well, she is freakin' liar. It will get better, he won't remember it, and you will do better next time! I will all be fine and he will grow up to love you so much no other woman will ever be good enough! hugs!
I know that feeling too well! I still can relive that moment I snapped at my little guy and it was the worst feeling. Being a parent is obviously a learn in progress and sometimes, we learn not to do things before we learn what to do. He still loves you and always will (at least till he's a teenager, Lord help us then!) Tomorrow will be better!
You're amazing! There really aren't many blogs where mothers actually talk the truth!! So many sugar coat it, act like there child is perfect and has never had a tantrum!! I love you for your honesty. We all go through it, and rarely have anyone to talk to about it, other than a select few family and friends. So many moms that I know are so judge I would never speak the truth to them!! My oldest is 2, and we have a 4 month old that seems to never stop screaming. It's exhausting, and unfortunately my 2 year old gets a lot of my rath because if is tantrums! Being a mom is fucking hard, but at least we aren't alone in our craziness !
"But this is the first time I have ever scared myself. I am not together. I am not doing well."
I know this feeling. I really know this feeling. The last time I felt this feeling I went back to my psychiatrist and told him I was turning into an angry parent, frustration always bubbling below the surface, and I needed more help.
Sometimes our pills don't work anymore. The depression/anxiety kicks up again, and we can't see through it. Maybe you need to see if this is what's happening. I'm only saying that because I've been there. No judging from me, you know that.
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