whip it

What do you do when your son decides to whip out his toddler penis and piss all over his comforter, in protest against going to bed?

You stand there shocked. Like someone shoved a lollipop up your ass. 

You blink profusely believing that you must have hit the sauce a little too hard because there's no way that your sweet, darling, innocent baby boy could be so malicious.

You begin to sweat when you realize that he did, in fact, purposefully use his toddler dong as a weapon of mass destruction. 

You begin to sob inside because you know that this is beginning of years of you standing there, stunned, at the thought that he's capable of being such a dickhead.

Your baby boy. Your pride and joy. 

Your two year old who is smart enough to know that taking a wiz on his bed sheets, although rendering a 2 minute time out, that's 2 minutes longer he gets to stay "up" on top of the 5 more minutes it's going to take to change the sheets and listen to his parents talk about how disappointed they are in him. Meanwhile following it up with a snuggle and an I Love You because we're such pussies we can't possibly consider the thought of him going to bed sad. 

What a smart fucking cookie.

Next time I don't want to go to work, I'm just going to take a shit in my car.