First Name Smith

Firm Fridays

2012-02-10T08:05:00.000-05:00

While I can't say much for actual gym time this week, I did manage to do crunches before bed every night (err, three nights). And a little boom boom in the room room always burns good calories too (sorry Mom).

I also made some strides in the food department this week. Not only for myself, but also for my Smurf. I picked up a LOT of fruits and veggies at the grocery store. Healthy snacks including green and red peppers, hummus, nuts, fresh strawberries, and bananas.

The light bulb went off this week. I understand where my problem areas are with regards to food. I don't eat a lot. I always skip breakfast. Mornings are so hectic in our house, its a miracle if the someone doesn't shit on the coats. So, when it comes to lunch, I gorge because I'm effing starving. My portion sizes are as big as Kirstie Alley's ass. Poor girl. No afternoon snack, typically, means another generous portion for dinner. So a majority of my calorie consumption is only divided into two meals, 6 hours apart.

I need to eat MORE. Yep. More. I need to make sure I eat breakfast, to jump start my metabolism. I need a morning snack, a healthy lunch, an afternoon snack, and a healthy dinner.

I am getting back into my running routine this weekend even if it kills me. I have 6 weeks until my 5k and my training has fallen by the wayside. As if we didn't see that one coming like a trip to Publix for some fresh box-o-delicious.

In other news, Smith is selling his house cleaning service. Only payment in the form of Oreos and strawberries will be accepted.

How did you do this week? Link up!

pizza face

2012-02-09T07:55:00.002-05:00

I had terrible acne when I was young. Terrible. I mean, we're talking Accutane kind of acne. You know... the stuff that causes deformities in children? It was wicked. I distinctly remember hysterically crying on the bus in 9th grade because my mom forced me to go to school with mountains on my face. I hid my face behind my hair for years. I managed to find a combination of tricks that would minimize the redness, but never actually cleared the bumps. And we're not just talking minor imperfections. We are talking serious welts.

I had more insecurities about this than anything else in my life. I could have cared less about my gangly legs, or monkey arms. My big feet and bushy eyebrows had nothing on the self loathing I had for my skin. There are, in fact, very few photos of me from age 13-16. I was so incredibly embarrassed.

As I got older, birth control pills helped tremendously, albeit never solved the problem completely. Once I hit college though, my skin was clearer. I stood up a bit straighter and finally found a little more confidence.

But as Kent and I decided to start trying to make a baby, my old reliable birth control was out the window and so was any chance of clear skin. Back came the pimples and they brought the old insecurities along with them. My self confidence was at its lowest. My brand new husband doesn't want to stare at this ugly face. THIS is not sexy.

Finally! We were pregnant and by the grace of God, I actually had clear skin. Maybe the old adage of baby boys giving mothers beauty, while baby girls robbing their mothers of it is true. I had great skin. Until the nursing stopped and my hormones returned to normal.

I am 32 years old. And I had to see a dermatologist for the thousandth time today for my acne. I have welts. A constant barrage imperfections and with them also floods the same old insecurities. Again. Welcome back assholes.

I powder my nose more than most women. I take my time to ensure that ever stitch of makeup is perfect. This is my mask to be able to carry a smile every day. Because without it and my 20 years of practice, I would still be that same 13 year old on the bus crying. Because the pretty girls made fun of me. And because the cute boys wouldn't dare go out with a "pizza face".

I think a lot of my inability to accept genuine compliments stems from years of self-loathing and mean girls in high school. Funny how you carry those kind of things well into your adult life.

But, this just serves to remind me that no matter what, we are all fighting battles. And maybe we don't have it all. The ones that you'd least expect may just be having the hardest time. Except Miley and her unfortunate vagina and gum line. That shit can't be forgiven.

* * * * * * *

I asked my best friend Karen to pull some photos together of me from back in the day. She scanned them with a quickness and I have no shame because I'm spewing these all over the internet. Yep. Enjoy.

Thanks Karen... you made my day with these.. even if I look like a complete asshole :)

I need a refill

2012-02-08T08:42:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure the past two mornings have kicked my ever loving mama ass. Can someone explain to me why a toddler is perfectly reasonable one minute and in the next breath is throwing himself on the floor, rubbing his face into the dog hair lined rug and kicking his toes into the ground with such reckless abandon that I'm sure he's dug half way to China. Kid, if you're going to go through that kind of effort, can you pick up that piggy bank that I ordered without realizing it was being shipped from Beijing? Kthanks.

Smurf, you are deliciously cute. You are snugly. You are incredibly smart. But you are also stubborn as a mule and more determined than mama on a Thursday night with a fresh box-o-delicious and a Grey's Anatomy episode.

santa jammies in February? back up off me

And here I thought that having an infant was hard work. Le sigh. Other than the lack of sleepies, infants are way easy to please and require far less doses of Zanax to get through an average day.

(just a quick PS - if you didn't hear, Scentsy is having 10% off ALL PRODUCTS! Shop now!)

suffocating vagina

2012-02-07T08:28:00.000-05:00

Really honey boo boo child? You just spent $127,000 on a Mercedes. Apparently, however, that cushioned bank account doesn't guarantee class or the ability to dress yourself properly.

I find better clothes on the 75% off rack at Target. That don't make my vagina look like its suffocating in stone washed cotton.

... just sayin

(oh, and take 10% off your Little Laws Prints order now through Sunday with the code "bemyvalentine12").

like woah

2012-02-06T10:43:00.000-05:00

You dolls have some serious opinions. On a lot of things. I need help picking the panties out of my ass from the handful of you that hate my vlogs. Okay, I get it. Dooley noted.

I had the most amazing weekend with Shannon and her precious bundle of pooping joy, Hunter. I forgot how delicious newborn babies smell. Can we bottle that shit? Because I am pretty sure that would do the trick if I ever rendered myself drunk and caught the baby fever.

I am also pretty sure its amazing to see one my oldest friends sweetly smooching on her precious baby boy. Shannon and I have been friends for 14 years. Essentially half my life. Which makes me feel super old. And gray. And tired. And amazed that my liver is still functioning after all this time. But, to remember back at all the things we have been through together, its beautiful to see her so happy and in love with both her little and biggest man.

I missed my boys like woah, but having a little 9lb dude to snuggle with made it better. As did sitting on the couch for 10 hours uninterrupted drinking wine, sniffing baby heads, and watching Ryan Reynolds on tv. Can't really get much better than that.

I think Smith was ready to have me home. I would swear he grew a foot in my 48 hours away. My little guy. Oh how I missed him.

Firm Fridays - week Four

2012-02-03T08:20:00.001-05:00

Its been two weeks since I've worked out. Two. Meaning I haven't done shit other than stuff my big head with tacos and wine for 14 days.

Its embarrassing. I really thought that having this little Firm Fridays thing would force me to stay on top of it. But life has once again gotten in the way. My schedule just didn't permit. Its hard to squeeze crunches and lunges in when Teen Mom needs to be watched while eating strawberry short cake and drinking vino.

I am a failure.

But, I did sign up for my first 5k on March 24th. So, I have to get my ass working before I embarrass myself.

I hope you guys did better this week than me. I'll be drowning my sorrows in airplane bottles today. I am leavin on a jet plane (for DC) to see my favorite Leetle One and her even leetler one Hunter.

I guess I will at least get exercise lifting wine glass to mouth. Its something.

reader inquisition part deux

2012-02-02T07:30:00.000-05:00

How effing narcissistic? 15 more minutes of talking about myself.

I need your help dolls. Should I keep doing this? Or is it a big snooze fest?

it girl?

2012-02-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

I am not adorkable. And I don't understand the appeal. I am sure to get a shitload of hate mail on this one, but I just don't understand.

Why is this the new It Girl?

Kent attempted to explain how hot she is last night but he lost me at the first sight of drool. I don't understand her style. I don't understand her appeal. and I most certainly don't understand why everyone loves her. Quirky is cute until you label yourself "adorkable" and then its just annoying.

But again, I am also the girl that doesn't like Gaga and Bruno Mars when everyone else on the planet wants to lick their face. Right Shannon?

Mourning and Giveaway Winner

2012-02-01T08:15:00.002-05:00

I am in mouring. MODG posted recently about mourning the loss of Drama Baby's 2nd nap. I am draped in a black veil over the loss of Smith's bedtime bottle. Yeah he's 18 months old. And yeah, he was probably too old for that shit anyway. But damn if I'm not a little sad to not have that snuggle time with him anymore.

My baby is growing up. And fast. Sads face. (Don't get any ideas Mom... no more babies).

Smith would like to announce the winner of the Found by Marie giveaway!

Alison of alisonandjustin.blogspot.com
Contact me with your mailing address lady.
Congrats!

Oooooh snap! Stay tuned... reader inquisition part deux coming to a home computer near you. Soon. Booya.

Date Night

2012-01-31T08:29:00.003-05:00

I had a date night.

With the Husband. And it was all romantical and shit.

its no wonder we make such cute kids. hotness.

My wonderful Mother and Father in Law offered to care for Smith overnight so that Kent and I could get out and enjoy each others company sans fevers, headaches, and stress. Last week was a doosey with Smith's virus.

We enjoyed a delicious dinner at the Yard House, accompanied by copious amounts of wine, blueberry beers, and fantastic company. We talked. You know, like actually had conversations. We laughed. At others. And at each other. We giggled. We snuggled. We held hands. We loved on each other. We even road a carousal.

And to top the night off, we crawled into bed and slept 12 glorious, uninterrupted hours. We woke up at 10am and rushed home to see Smurf. We missed him. So much.

It was a perfect night.

In other news....

What's in my bag?

2012-01-30T08:47:00.000-05:00

Dolls, we had the most AMAZING weekend. I cannot wait to fill you in. Tomorrow, perhaps. After my perma-grin wears off. I am relaxed, refreshed, and in LOVE.

But for now, lets take a little look-see into my purse.

My bag. As seen in this post here. The most perfect mustard colored bag. LOVE it.
Diapers. Target ones. Because I am not a label snob and these little suckers work just as good as the Pampers and cost half the price. Booya.
Wipes. Because I refuse to carry a diaper bag anymore. And lets face it, I pee my pants sometimes too.
iPhone. Crack in a case.
Boogie Wipes. Essential. I mean, not really. But they're a novelty item and are supposed to help out the runnies because they're infused with saline. I am skeptical.
Cheerios, pretzels and two spoons. Yeah.
Pen. For when all my blog followers want my autograph. Bah!
Two Matchbox cars. Consider it like carrying around the boy version of a barbie doll. Essential for those last minute car races along window sills and table tops.
My FAB NEW WALLET! Gah... did you get your comment in to win a similar clutch?
Cat eye sunnies. From The Gap. LOVE them.
Two nude lip glosses, two of the same pink glosses, one Tide To Go pen, two Burt's Bees. Dammit, I should have the softest lips this side of the Mississippi.
Zanax. For those days where I can't find my wine.
Brush for my nappy hair.
Two nail clippers, a hair clip. Lotion, hand sanitizer (blueberry - yum!), and a nail file.
Smith's infant sock. I've been carrying it around since he was born. Just love having a piece of him with me every day.

After dumping it out to capture a snapshot, I cannot believe I fit all that shit into one normal little bag.

What's in your bag?

Firm Fridays: Week Three

2012-01-27T07:46:00.000-05:00

As you know, this week kicked our ever loving sick asses. Between the screamies and the zombies, no exercise was had in our house. It just wasn't happening.

I ate like shit. I slept like shit. When I did have some waking moments, they were consumed with working, driving, or washing dishes / clothes / towels / floors and disinfecting everything short of the dogs ass.

I told you I was holding myself accountable for my workouts or lack thereof. This week, I ...

Hope you dolls did better than I did. Link up and share your deets. Do a crunch for me.

Found by Marie giveaway

2012-01-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

have I told... you lately... that I love you?

have I told... you how much... I really care?

I'm pretty sure I'm far more bad ass than Rod Stewart though. Although with his delicious mole, how can one resist? But, do you know why I'm bad ass?

(crickets)

Its because I have good taste. I know you're saying to me, what the f*@# does that have to do with me? Well, because I made an incredibly delicious wallet purchase, you, my fine readers, now have a chance to win something else fabulous. From my dear new friend Marie over at Found By Marie.

You see, I purchased this amazing little wallet a few weeks ago from her shop. Found by Marie specializes in handmade wallets, clutches, crochet, jewelry and more. And Marie even has a separate shop featuring beautiful fabrics at $2 - $3 below MSRP. Jackpot.

colors look familiar, no?

Through my conversations with Marie, it turns out that she is not only incredibly talented, but she is generous as well. Marie is offering up one of her beautiful Valentine's Day inspired clutches to YOU. These are beautifully handmade and of excellent quality.

The fold over design securely holds contents with a magnetic snap closure. Beautiful red and white chevron print exterior with jute webbing trim in the center gives this clutch a relaxed feel. Interior is a lovely new print from Amy Butler's Lark collection in navy, pink, red, and a host of other accent colors. Interior and exterior are both fully interfaced for structure and durability. Simple, elegant design is fuss-free and perfect to carry on it's own, or use to corral personal items inside of a large bag.

Isn't her stuff just the cutest? She creates the most adorable clutches. I cannot wait for an excuse to get mine. I'm eying the black one. Hands off bitches.

So, what do you need to do to win? Leave a separate comment for each. You guys know I'm too lazy to do the work for you.

Follow FNS. If I can't get a hold of you, you win NAAAH-SING.
Head on over to Marie's shoppe and leave a comment back with what you want most.
Favorite her shoppe for a 3rd entry.
Blog, Tweet, or Facebook about her shoppe for a 4th entry.
Visit her fabric store and comment with what you're eying there too for a 5th.

As if this amazing woman didn't do enough, she is VERY GENEROUSLY offering up 10% off to all FNS readers with the code "TAKE10" at checkout.

Winner will be selected by Smurf on Wednesday, Feb 1st. So you can rock this little beauty just in time for Valentine's Day.

....Told you I was bad ass.

not a proud moment

2012-01-26T09:53:00.002-05:00

You won't be surprised at my newest mom fail. Especially if you have been around these parts for awhile. Not a proud moment in the Lawlor house this morning. Truly. I am disgusted at myself, but after talking to my lover this morning, I felt it was important to share my story. Even if I am completely ashamed of myself.

Smith has been a handful this week. The 'strep like' virus he contracted has been hell for him and hell for us. We haven't done a lot of sleeping. Of course that's nothing new. But the extra doses of whines (baby cries not wine.. although there's been a lot of that too) has been wreaking havoc on my nerves.

Of course Smith is completely miserable this week. Shit. I know how bad strep hurts. I got it so often as a kid that my tonsils had to be removed when I was about 7. A diet of popsicles and ice cream for a week was bomb ass. But everything leading up to it sucked goat balls.

My little guy wants nothing more than to be held. And look at trucks. And buses. And play with the brooms and vacuums. Why is it so hard for me to understand and appreciate his simple pleasures when he's sick and miserable?

During a particularly challenging moment this morning, Smith did nothing but whine and point. At nothing in particular. Just insisting on being held, while grunting and pointing at indeterminate objects around the living room. While trying to get myself together, clean up the cat puke, get a shoe on, and wash a cup while managing this completely unreasonable child, I said it. Loudly. In fact, it was probably more along the lines of a yell.

"What the fuck do you want Smith?"

I'm not proud of myself. And unfortunately this isn't the first time I have felt the stress build so high that I yelled at my son.

He's 18 months old. He's sick. And he's tired. And for gods sake, all he wants is attention and love from mom.

But I failed him.

poor dude

2012-01-25T09:47:00.001-05:00

You know what sucks? Strep throat. You know what sucks even harder than that? But not quite as hard as that Blake Lively bitch that's creepin on my man... strep throat in babies.

Smizzer is infected. With the funk. His 18 month checkup yesterday confirmed the white bumps on his lips were just the icing on the proverbial infested cake. His throat is hella angry and covered in white blisters. I mean, seriously, how much more sickness is this kid going to have to take?

We have stayed up with him the past three nights trying to comfort his screams. I even considered climbing into the crib with him this time just to try to rest a little myself, but took a pass and laid on the floor with my arm through the crib instead.

Can you imagine the pain of strep throat, but not being able to communicate it? Can you also imagine not being able to take anything for it? Its viral. Nothing but time will heal.

My poor poor dude.

ice cream soothes throats (and hearts)

a good waste of 14 minutes of your time

2012-01-23T07:09:00.000-05:00

You know, a little reader inquisition responses - completely sober and lacking F-bombs (sorry). My mom would be proud.

Turns out I talk a lot, so looks like I'll have to have several more of these to come. Stay tuned. Unless you're already bored. In which, I can't say I'd blame you.

Enjoy dolls. Happy Monday. Le sigh.

Wiggle

2012-01-20T08:01:00.001-05:00

Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Yeah!
I'm (gettin) sexy and I know it.

Firm Friday is back with a bang. Or more like an ouch because this girl is hella sore. I finally decided to dust off the spiderwebs and crack open my Couch to 5K app. Its been mocking me ever since I downloaded it, saying shit like "You can't do me" and "I'm too hard" to which I usually respond with "That's what she said" and "Where's my wine?"

You know what's good motivation? A twenty something beauty with a rock the size of Kansas on her left ring finger looking at Bridal Magazines as she glides along the elliptical machine dreaming of her wedding day. That bitch? Gurrrl, if I could only tell her how much to enjoy that great ass and size 2 waist. Because once you get that wedding ring comes a baby bump. And once that baby bump comes, all weight associated goes directly to that perfectly round and cellulite free ass and it never leaves, a staycation of fat if you will. Except this time, she'll then be me and hating life trying to look like that again and wanting to gouge out the eyes of all the Giselle look a likes and start asking the devil for her own contract. Giselle. You KNOW you made a deal with him. Don't deny.

I get off track easily.

Couch to 5K. Day one was easy. 25 minutes alternating between jogging and walking. I didn't think it did much for me until I attempted to get out of bed this morning. That shit worked me. And it feels great.

Following the 25 minute jog, I did my usual 100 crunches, 48 lunges, followed by an arm workout.

I haven't stepped on the scale since my initial weigh-in and I'm sure there's not much of a difference in the number. But truthfully that number doesn't matter to me anyway. Its how I feel. And I feel stronger already. I feel more toned.

I encourage all of you to keep with it. Link up if you are joining in. And remember....

(Mommies, please take a minute to read this)

bitch slap

2012-01-19T08:10:00.000-05:00

Wow guys. I'm either incredibly lame, drop too many 4 letter bombs in this place, or you just don't love me anymore. I have to admit, I am a little sadsface that I didn't get a bigger response to my Reader Inquisition post. G'on feel sorry for me now. I'll wait....

.........

..............

....................

..........................

Just kidding. I still love you. And Ryan. And wine. And tacos. Just so we're clear.

You know what response I am looking forward to? The Etsy seller that I just put the bitch slap on for not sending me my shit. I ordered Smurf this adorable hand painted Christmas ornament on December 20th. Yeah, one month ago December 20th. Smith LOVES Elmo. LOVES. And I wanted a really special ornament for him. I plan to get him a unique ornament every year that serves as a reminder of where he was in his life at the time. And this assface straight up lied to me for 4 weeks saying it was shipped when it clearly wasn't. She even went so far as to provide me a fake tracking number. I'm not even kidding.

So while Paypal decides what to do about my $27 transaction, I thought I'd twist the dagger a little more and tell you NOT to shop with this douchebag.

How can you disappoint this face? Gah! What an asshole.

Reader Inquisition

2012-01-18T14:42:00.004-05:00

Did you know that Smith is demanding some camera time? As if his beautiful mug isn't plastered all over this spot as it is. He's a demanding little shit isn't he? But with all this talking he's doing lately and all these fabulous new dolls that have decided to follow FNS, he told me it was a good idea to open up the floor to the readers for some q&a. Not to be confused with t&a, because lets face it... NO ONE wants to see that from this girl. I scare myself, unless there's wine involved. And then I think my post baby D's are sexy. And they're not. Trust.But here's the spin.

Smurf wants camera time. As in video camera. As in, my first ever vlog. And what's a better way to kick that shit off than with a little reader inquisition (also known as give me some effing blog material bitches). So, what do you want to know? Want to ask me about the tattoo that shall not be named? How about the real way we came up with Smith's name? Or how about what I would do if the Anheuser Busch company stopped making Miller Lite (die!)? Or do you want to see Smith's big ass feet? OMG, see I'm doing all the work for you now. Gah. What a bunch of lazy asses.

its all in the book

2012-01-18T08:47:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty sure I am in LOVE with the books that finally arrived for Smith. One is dedicated to his actual birth day, the other to his first year including all the monthly update letters I wrote him.

It was so amazing to read through them again last night. Funny how much you forget in such a short amount of time. Still amazes me that he's only been here for 18 months. It feels like a lifetime... well, I guess it has been a lifetime - his.

I can't believe how fast our baby grew up. He's no longer a baby. He's a bright, determined, beautiful, inquisitive, smart little boy. And I am the luckiest mama in the world to be able to call him mine.

bruiser

2012-01-17T09:21:00.004-05:00

I'm pretty sure my kid is the single most adorable bruiser that has ever sported two black eyes, a scratch, and a fat lip, all while rocking a puffy jacket adorned with subtle hearts.

Boys are fearless. They also walk into everything. And don't think twice about jumping head first off the couch (thanks Daddy!). God help me if I ever have a girl. Bows and barbie dolls? What the f&*@ am I supposed to do with that?

BTW bitches... all mama's need to head on over to Down at Fraggle Rock to get a little perspective on this whole teething business. From one fine lady who went through adult teething at 16... yeah, seriously. G'on. See what its really like for your babies.

a list

2012-01-16T14:25:00.002-05:00

At the risk of being a complete and total asshole, I am going to blow your minds with some new Lawlor revelations. And as much as I loathe bullet points... Bam.

Turns out 4 Fruit Buddies in a 12 hour period doesn't bring on epic poop hysteria in 18 month olds. I googled "fruit overdose" and turns out I don't really need to worry about it unless said fruit is soaked in grain alcohol. Wish I had read that BEFORE the Pi Lamb parties. There would've been a lot less regretful mornings in the AOPi house.

Getting sick when you're a mom is the absolute worst shit in the business. I would like nothing more than to lay on the couch watching a Jersey Shore marathon and picking boogers out of my nose. Except my child demands coooookeys, elMO, truh-kas, and wiiiish (wash). Its almost more relaxing to come to work. Is that sad?

Every evening before I crawl into bed, I sneak into Smith's room and kiss him goodnight. I whisper promises of being a "better mommy tomorrow", but every day I feel like I fail him... (Woah serious! Shit, I wasn't even expecting that one myself).

McDonald's sausage and egg biscuts are the devil incarnate. I'd like to slap me on one of those for breakfast one of these mornings, but then that whole brazilian bikini goal would be shot to shit and I'd lose face in front of you fine dolls.

Turns out a 33 year old man and an 18 month old baby can manage to nap in a crib without breaking it. Desperate times = desperate measures. But while we're on the topic, Desperate Housewives is certifiably ridiculous. I am only watching the rest of the final season because I've been with it since the beginning. I feel like I'd be failing myself if I didn't stick with it to the end.

I ordered the most ridiculous Valentine's Day gift for my Husband this year. I'm pretty sure that I don't even know who I am anymore. Pictures to come, but quite frankly, I'm not even sure you'd want to see it. It borders the fine line between f*&@ing disgusting and bad ass.

There is a benefit to being in a coma... at least you get some sleep. Do you think you'd wake up feeling refreshed after a month-long nap? All real-life trauma aside of course. I'd like to get me one of those. Or maybe a month-long hospital stay for, say.... a big bunion or something.

KDL squared is long overdue for a night off and a morning to sleep in. Any takers on babysitting the single most delicious Elmo / Broom / Vacuum / Oreo Cookie fanatic this side of the Mississippi for a weekend? I'll pay you in wine, sarcasm, and dust bunnies.

and it didn't even break

2012-01-16T08:59:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure that seeing your Husband asleep in a crib with your son is the cutest thing in the world...

Happy Monday dolls. Am I the only one at work today? Le sigh.

Firm Fridays - week two

2012-01-13T07:54:00.001-05:00

Okay, so you know this Firm Up Friday's is going to be all about accountability on my part. Accountability for going to the gym, eating healthy(er), and taking a pass on that peanut butter cup if one so happens to cross my path.

I don't own a scale. And don't really plan on buying one. Its not the number that matters to me. Its all about how I feel in my birthday suit. Since the ultimate goal here is to rock a Brazilian Bikini on Fort Lauderdale beach by June.

I have to admit, this week hasn't exactly been an A+ game for me with regard to the gym. I went twice last week, Thursday and Friday. I was sore as shit for three days and really only was able to laugh without crying in pain after Wednesday of this week. My stomach was SORE. My arms were dunzo and my thighs were screamin. But it felt GOOD. I mean, fantastic. I mean, amazing! But this week, time wasn't on my side and I couldn't find a way to get there. Thursdays and Fridays are my only allotted gym days simply out of availablility. And last night I had an appointment with my therapist for a little mental health workout, so that screwed my crunches plan.

I am going tonight. Before my date night. So I'll be all stinky and shit just in time to get all romantical with the Husband. Meow. Can you smell the BO yet?

I have made a LOT better choices food wise this week. Grilled Chicken Salads where I would usually make a BLT. Whole wheat pasta instead of regular. Iced Tea instead of Coke. Three tacos instead of six (truth). Its the small adjustments that have lead to my skinny jeans being a little less offensive this week than they were last week. Who knows what the numbers say, but I can guarantee I've lost a lb or two.

But, for anyone that's curious about the gym, here is my workout regimen. And it only takes me 40 minutes. Its an urban myth that you have to spend two hours in the gym every day to get bikini results.

2 miles on the elliptical machine (or treadmill) at a pace of 4 or higher. This usually works out to be about 20 minutes for me.
5 sets of 10 crunches
2 sets of 12 lunges
5 sets of 10 crunches (on a ball or alternative surface)
2 sets of 12 lunges

Then its alternating between arms and legs depending on the day. I'll do 3 sets of 10 on each arm or leg machine in my (small) gym. Followed by 5 minutes on the stationary bike.

This is what works for me. And while its no crazy insane workout, its been proven to help me physically AND emotionally. As my middle school gym teacher once said "exercise gives you energy!" She also said "Its not gym, Jim was my last boyfriends name (she was actually a lesbian). Its physical education." She's right. Its about more than just getting into the gym and working out. Because if you don't educate yourself on smarter food choices, no amount of situps is going to erase those cheesy fries from your ass.

Link up if you're participating. There's power in numbers and we can all do this together.

Is that a straiiightjackeeet?

2012-01-12T08:25:00.000-05:00

My child is refusing to eat; two bites and then "NO!". And probably cutting his two year molars. And keeping me up all night for the past 4 nights in a row screaming "mommy daddy" from his crib until we come in to soothe him. Once we think we have him asleep and sneak out the door, he pops his head up and gears up his best crocodile cries. At this point, I'd consider selling him for a dollar and a box of wine. Kidding, sort of.

Welcome back to the "I'm exhausted" posts.

Just when you think you may actually just have this whole parenting thing down, these micro-people turn on you as if you murdered their bea-ow (bear). Some days I absolutely love this whole toddler mom thing. Other days there just isn't enough booze in Broward County to keep me from losing my shit.

I started putting together a book for Smith, appropriately titled... wait for it... "smith's story." I'm a creative f*cking genius, I know. Its begins the day we found out we were pregnant and ends with his birth story. Everything was pulled from my baby blog and highlights just how much he was wanted. How much we prayed for him. And how much he is loved. I hope it'll be some kind of consolation for him when he finds THIS blog one day and reads just how much I bitched about how hard this mommy shit really is.

Sometimes I feel so alone in my challenges with Smith. Don't get me wrong, I understand why people choose not to talk about the downside of parenting and shit nothing but rainbows and sunshine out of their asses everyday. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I do understand why they do that. But, there is one thing I can promise you guys... I will never sugar coat this mess. Some like it, some don't. But its all real here, dolls.

There are days that I want to soak in every morsel of Smith's being. Breathe in the scent of his hair until I can't breathe anymore. Caress the side of his face for hours. Live inside his smile when he realizes he's being silly. But there are other days where I just need a break. Days where my sanity delicately hangs in the balance between frolicking on the beach with a Bahama Mama and a single cell padded room.

Today, I am looking for that straightjacket...

Speaking of, does anyone watch Oddities? Edgar is my new hero.

Anyway dollfaces. Today is a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm certain, however, that in 16 1/2 years things will be beautiful and I might actually know what I'm doing by then. Because right now, I'm beginning to think that I'm the only one experiencing the downside of being a mommy. Its isolating.

So What Wednesday

2012-01-11T10:04:00.003-05:00

Link up with my MBFF!

So What if my kid bit someone in daycare yesterday. Actually eff that. I'm embarrassed. I can't believe MY KID was the one that did the nibbling. I mean, in his defense, he did bite Jules, who is quite a cutie patootie. Maybe he was just trying to lick her? No?

So What if I am a little sad Smurf's new shoes came in the mail yesterday and they didn't fit. He definitely takes after his mama with the barracuda feet. Kid is in a size 7 at 18 months old. I'm pretty sure he's a freak of nature.

So What if I need your help in suggesting some good sites to utilize to create a book for my pregnancy / first year baby blog. I know its going to be a huge pain in the ass to put together, but PLEASE help a sista out and leave me some suggestions if you've done it.

And speaking of books, So What if I just got around to ordering Smith's birthday book. Only 6 months late. Gah.

So What if I feel like a bad ass and walk with a little more swagga now that I'm rockin a nice ride. I am certifiably in LOVE with my new car. Except... I can't find the damn trunk pop button inside it. Any Chevy Equinox owners... can you tell me where that little shit is hiding?

So What if I really miss my small boobs. These big knockers aren't for me. Reduction please.=

So What if I am holding a contest for my website. Check out our facebook page for details on how you could win some free shit. Really. Go.

What are you saying So What to this week?

a few clarifications

2012-01-10T11:19:00.001-05:00

People give me a hard time because I'm so picky. In every sense of the word.

I don't know that I'm necessarily that difficult. I just know what I like and what I don't. I know what works and what doesn't.

Television: Thanks to my in laws and their amazing family Christmas gift, we finally made the transition to a flat screen tv. We were proudly rocking out the box television for years. And only until our mentally challenged neighbor (true) made fun of us for still having ONE OF THOSE, did we consider it to be outdated and maybe we should get something new. And one that doesn't weigh 500lbs. This is the same guy that recently said to me when discussing my new car "Oh. I didn't think you could afford a hybrid". Oh really? Cause last I checked we lived in the same neighborhood. Which means we have the same standard of living. Back up off me and stop creepin.

Spotify: OMG this is too much for me to handle. And why do I need to listen to it through Facebook? And why are people sending me messages through something that I never signed up for? How is that humanly possible. I'll stick to my cassette player and walkman (kidding... kinda).

Aisan food: No, I will never eat it. Yes, I DO know what I'm missing. And for the love of all things Ryan Reynolds, leave me the eff alone about it. .

Miley Cyrus: Bitch has a sick body. She also has massive gums and might just be a transgendered baboon.

Taco Tuesday: A tradition for 6 years and holding in the Lawlor house. The only day I missed it was the day that Smith was born. Because after tearing apart your lower abdomen and ripping out a baby, your stomach apparently can't handle anything other than chicken broth. But lets face it. Tacos don't taste as good on Wednesdays anyway. Truth.

Shaving: Right leg first. Left leg next. Right armpit third. Left armpit fourth. No exceptions.

Twitter: I am connected enough. Facebook, Instagram, Blogger, Email. I cannot physically handle another vice. I'd rather spend my spare time googling shirtless Ryan Reynolds and trying to beat my best time in opening my boxes of vino. Currently its at about 6 seconds. I know I can do better.

Hootie and The Blowfish: There has been an Anit-Hootie clause in my friendship contract for years. If you didn't read it, you weren't paying close enough attention .

Hope this clarifies some things in our friendship. Good day.

I said GOOD DAY.

In the name of sanity

2012-01-10T09:16:00.002-05:00

Hi new friends! Its nice to see so many new faces around these parts.

As a brand spankin new mom, you are typically always concerned with how others perceive you. Getting the side eye from strange asshat in Target because you didn't dress your child up to their standards. Gah! How in the world can that mom put that poor child in a tee shirt instead of a parka in 70 degree weather! Or OMG, can't that mom control her child? He just keeps crying?

I was a sucker for that for the first 15 months or so. Always worried so much about what others think of my parenting skills. Or lack there of on any given day.

But I have finally begun to relax. To the point where its almost joke worthy the shit that I allow myself and my son to do in the name of peace, quiet, and sanity.

Want to play in the sink and make a huge water mess? Sure. I'll trade the screamies for a damp baby and a few paper towels.

Want that second Oreo cookie if it means you will sit in that god forsaken Target shopping cart for ten more minutes? I'm not above bribery.

Want to play outside on the patio with no shoooooosh (shoes)? No problem if I don't have to pick you and your temper tantrums off the floor for the 10th time today.

Want to play in mommy's makeup in the mornings? Have at it, if I can sit on the floor and finish putting my face on.

Of course there are boundaries. And we don't let him get away with everything. But I have no problem letting my little guy learn from his experiences. The past two nights he has refused dinner. After offering two different options in which he swatted away like a bug, we gave up. I'm not running circles for this kid. He'll eat if he's hungry. And he will also learn to eat dinner when its served. Or risk going to bed with a not so full tummy.

I by all means don't have all the answers. In fact, I'd put money on it that some of these extreme internet moms will have something to say about our parenting style. But, quite frankly, I don't care anymore. We know our kid. We know what works for us and for Smith.

And he's pretty damn awesome despite it all, I'd say.

No Big Deal

2012-01-09T09:35:00.003-05:00

Oh, you know. No big deal. I just decided to buy a new car on Saturday.

I know you're all like "Whaaaaaaaaaat? Didn't you just pay off your old car loan?" And I'm all "Yeah, but...." And you're all "But you had NO car payments!" And I'm all "Yeah, but I have also been driving a hoopty for 6 years. Okay, not a hoopty, but certainly not a decent mom car."

My Toyota Corolla was a perfectly acceptable ride for a 20 something single lady (are you doing the dance?), but for a momma of an 18 month old with long legs to go with his height, it was uncomfortable. For everyone involved. If I hit my noggin on the door frame one more time, I was sure to get some brain damage.

Once I get an idea in my head, its pretty much too late. Its a done deal. As apparent by the text message I sent to Husband. Notice is lack of responsiveness? He knows me.

He knew what was going to happen. He knew I was going to walk out of that appointment with a new ride.

The decision was pretty easy for me. The Chevy Equinox is the top rated crossover SUV for safety AND fuel efficiency. Truly the only things that matter to me when shopping for a new set of wheels for my little dude.

They gave me a good deal on my old car and we used that as a down payment for the shiny new one, making my payments SIGNIFICANTLY less than what I was paying for my compact go-cart. Husband approves and thinks it was a great decision in the long run. Its so much safer for my little family. Precious cargo, people!

So, within two hours, I was off the lot in a brand new (2010 with only 6k miles and still that new car smell) car!

Oh, and did I mention its the exact car of my MBFF? But of course it is. I'm not a stalker. Pinky promise.

Fit Friday: week one

2012-01-05T11:29:00.000-05:00

Things are about to get real up in this place. I have no shame.
While this does ironically fall within the whole new year resolution month, this is more than that.

Before I got pregnant with Smith, I was in the best shape of my life. I went to the gym 4 or 5 days a week. I craved it, actually. I had an amazing routine of cardio mixed with lunges, crunches, and weight training.

I can't lie. I have always been on the thin side. Genetics and a thyroid condition people. Don't hate. I have always been able to eat what I want without really seeing that extra piece of cheesecake on my thighs.

I gained 54 pounds with Smith. The day I gave birth, I was 198 pounds. True story. Thankfully I also managed to get massive without getting a stretch mark. The baby weight plus 2 lbs fell off without any diet or exercise. I know... I'm even calling myself a bitch for that one. I had no desire to get back to the gym though. I was tired. I was overwhelmed. And I wanted any free time to be focused on sleeping or catching up on chores around the house.

We have managed to make some changes at home and work that have granted me the opportunity to adjust my schedule to have more "me" time. And it took seeing Jessica Alba's 3 month post baby ass to solidify that I CAN get back to my pre baby body. And get into those amazing brazilian cut bikini's this summer.

I have signed up for a healthy eating program through work. And I started back at the gym last night. I have no weight goals, per se. I just have goals for how I look and feel. I was never a believer in the number that matters. Its how you feel on the inside that counts.

But, with that being said, here are my current stats:

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 143.5

Bust: 38"

Waist: 29"

Hips: 40"

Thighs: 21.5"

My first night back to the gym, I:

Ran 2.1 miles on the eliptical
2 sets of 12 lunges
50 stomach crunches in varying positions
Leg lifts
Hip work
Butt lifts

Firm Friday's is going to be a spot for me to be held accountable for my health and fitness. I'll be 100% honest because lets face it, when fudging your numbers, you're only lying to yourself. And if you want to get your ass up and the lbs down with me, join in! There's a button and a linky below.

See you on the toned side, dolls.

Dear Teem Mom Tards

2012-01-05T09:46:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you all have heard by now that Leah Messer is pregnant with her third child and engaged to her 2nd baby daddy only 6 months following her divorce from Corey.

No? You don't watch Teen Mom?

I follow Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant religiously. And the only kids with their shit together are the ones that actually gave their child up for adoption rather than playing in the poor house with kids they can't afford and don't necessarily have the maturity to raise on their own. Props to Catelyn and Tyler. Love those two. Even if Tyler needs a new hat. Boyfriend wears the same one every day.

I don't really understand, Chelsea. Your inability to see past the fantasy of a true family for you and Aubrey, while Adam is blatantly captain of the douchebag train. And girl... please work out that helmet hair. Its not a good look. Although, I do love your eyeshadow... Mac?

Janelle? You are sitting in your car by yourself crying because none of your friends will bail your abusive boyfriend out of jail on Christmas? Listen, I get it. I have been known to "love" a few asshats in my day. My mom always told me I was a jerk magnent. But honey, Jase is adorable. And you are missing out on the most amazing memories with him while you're running around beating chicks up and getting arrested. You don't realize how good you have it. Except for that mom of yours... she's a nutbag. Kind of explains how you are so bat shit crya cray too.

Kailyn, you kinda have your shit together. If it weren't for that dufus you're dating, I'd give you an A for effort. Own place, two jobs, asking for help when you need it. Props sistah. But cut your hair. That shit out of control.

Is there an age limit to those shows? Because I'm pretty sure at 32 years old that I shouldn't be into them as much as I am. And I am also pretty sure that I shouldn't relish in their failures and bad decisions as much as I do. But lets face it. Their downward spirals make for good tv. And grant me the opportunity to love in the fact that my life, albeit lame by their drama standards, is hella more stable than theirs.

Even on days when my wine supply is low.

So What

2012-01-04T08:51:00.002-05:00

So what if I let my kid play with my makeup this morning so that I could get ready in peace. My toddler is typically replaced with a demon mama's boy in the mornings so doing anything that requires attention to my own self takes the efforts of a thousand men and maybe a swig of the good stuff for breakfast. I'm kidding. Well... sorta.

So what if I also let my kid play in the sink. A little water cleanup is nothing in comparison to what it would take to clean up my proverbial shit when I lose it.

So what if thee days into the new year I poured a glass of wine last night and reneged on my promise to not drink during the week. First day back to work is tough after 10 days.

So what if we got reprimanded from daycare for not sending Smith to school with a hooded jacket yesterday. He was in a sweater. And he had a light jacket in his bag. But apparently down puffy jackets are required for 50 degrees. Between that and his copious amounts of bruises, I'm certain CPS will be knocking on our door in a matter of days.

So what if I ate a peanut butter cup for breakfast. Didn't I just post about losing weight? Gah. FAIL.

So what if I am about to go ape shit on an Etsy lady for not responding to multiple emails. I ordered something three weeks ago dude! Just because you mark something as shipped, doesn't mean you actually sent it. A courtesy email would be nice. Bitches.

So what if this is the lamest So What in history. You guys only love me for my kid anyway. And my giveaways. That you don't win. Like the vacuum. Eff.

Join up with my BMFF Shannon! Oh and stop by and say hi to my cousin Natalie's and her new blog. She and her husband Travis just found out they are expecting a new baby!

Firm Fridays

2012-01-03T12:53:00.001-05:00

I love wine. And chocolate. And beer. And guacamole with chips.

I love tacos. I love bread. And pasta.

But apparently my ass doesn't.

mom, your thighs are scaring me

Rather than beat you over the head with a bunch of crap posts about everything we did in 2011 and vowing to be a better person in 2012, I am going to spit the truth. As I usually do around these parts. Some like it, some don't. If you do, I look forward to spending 2012 with you. If you don't, adios my friend, its been real (see, I like to pretend that I am a raging bitch, but in fact I am the furthest from it). Oh and HAI! New friends around these parts lately. How YOU doin (in your best Joey voice of course). I know you only joined to try to win that vacuum. Yeah, sorry about not winning. But I hope you find this little spot a place you'd like to visit more frequently. Put your feet up. Stay awhile. Snark, sass, and a whole lotta bitching. And shirtless Ryan Reynolds too. I mean, hello!

God, see, I get off topic so easily. Maybe one of my resolutions should be to get some help for my ADD.

Smith scored a really awesome tunnel for Christmas from me Santa. He likes to shove his noisy ass trucks and toy vacuums (see, vacuums again... omg you must really hate me now) down the 6 foot long vinyl toy. Of course they always get stuck in the middle. And he starts pitching fits only suitable for the deaf in order to get them out. And who else but Mom to the rescue. Except for that fat ass of mine.

As Smith likes to say "DUCKKK." Meaning stuck. Meaning my ass. Meaning Mommy had way to many boxes - o - delicious over her 10 day vacation with far too little exercising.

I haven't worked out a day since Smith was born in July 2010. Truth city. How embarassing. Although I'm sure to get bitch slapped for this one, I also managed to lose all 54 (yes, 54!) pounds (plus two bonus ones) that I gained when I was pregnant by a diet consisting primarily of tacos and wine. The day I gave birth, I was 198 lbs. I wish I could make that up.

So for you math wizards, I am currently 142 lbs, 5'7" tall, and a size six. By all accounts, I am doing okay all things considered. However....

I do not feel good about myself. I was a hot little thang and in the best shape of my life just before I got pregnant. I was comfortably in a size 2 or 4. I was toned. I had an amazing ass, rock hard abs, fierce arms, and good legs.

The only thing I have now is a good grip of love handles, a flat ass, and the lung capacity that barely gets me up our flight of stairs.

So, like every other idiot, I have vowed to get back into shape. Shape for me. The shape that I feel best in. The one that allows me to wear those amazing Brazilian cut bikinis. My goal is to get into one of them this summer. And I will.

So, if you want to join me for the ride, please do! I have signed up for the Couch to 5k program because I am going to learn to like running even if it kills me. And I am also going to get back to the gym at least twice a week.

Stop by on Friday's and link up if you want that Brazilian bikini ass too. I'll have a linky set up, along with a button too. We're getting fancy and shit.

Oreck giveaway winner

2012-01-02T15:08:00.003-05:00

We have an Oreck giveaway winner!!

Congratulations! Thanks to everyone who entered. And a very special thank you to Oreck for supplying the prize for this giveaway.

There's more goodness to come, so stay tuned!

Oreck review and giveaway!

2011-12-28T12:45:00.002-05:00

Hey dolls! Did you have a very Merry Christmas? Mine was full of wine and whine. I'll fill you in on that later because today is THE DAY dollfaces.

Oreck contacted me recently to give me an opportunity to review one of their Grab It and Steam It steam mop. Um, hello?! Yes please. This is as good as it gets, dolls. How could I turn the opportunity down?

Lets be honest here folks. I have one toddler, one husband, two cats, and one dog. I was skeptical. There couldn't possibly be one tool that can sweep up the mounds of toddler crumbs and pet hair, but also steam clean my floors.

But friends, I am not one to lie to you. This little ditty is magical. You can literally sweep and steam clean your hard wood or tile floor AT THE SAME TIME. Do you even understand what a time saver this is for us busy mamas? The steam option heats up within 20 seconds and gets to work immediately to clean and sanitize your floors. Nothing is more important to me than having a clean place for my little smurf to play on. And no chemicals? Sign me up.

Oh, and did I mention how quiet it is? Yeah... my little guy was napping 40 feet away upstairs when Husband took this video. NAPPING and TURBO SWEEPING at the same time? Holler. And the cord is hella long, so gone are the days of switching outlets every two feet. I can do my entire living room and dining room without changing plugs. If only raising a toddler were this easy.

OMG, yes... we have toys EVERYWHERE.

My only hangup on this little thing is that the cord doesn't easily attach to itself when wound up. Securing it has been a little difficult, but considering this literally is Smith's new favorite toy (MOM FAIL), I think I can let that slide.

Because the Oreck people love me so much, they offered to give YOU your very own Oreck Grab It and Steam It Steam Mop! Yes, I'm serious. My god, you dollfaces have it good don't you? All this swag just from reading my little blog.

Mandatory to win:

Follow First Name Smith
Visit Oreck.com and tell us one thing you learned about the Grab-It and Steam-It
Share a link to this giveaway via Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, etc.

For Additional Entries:

Follow @oreck on Twitter.
Like Oreck on Facebook.
Sign up for Oreck’s email list by clicking on “Sign up for Email” in the top navigation bar and entering your email address.
Tweet about the giveaway, mentioning you and @oreck with a link to your post.

Fine Print:

·         The giveaway winner must be a resident of the U.S. 48 contiguous states.
·         I received this product to review for free from Oreck.
·         First Name Smith is the official sponsor of the giveaway. Oreck is only supplying the prize.
·         Oreck Corporation provided the prize for the sweepstakes but is not the sponsor of the sweepstakes.

Be sure to leave a comment for each that you do with links when appropriate. Winner will be drawn on Monday!

Merry Belated Christmas dolls!

crackbucks winners

2011-12-23T10:09:00.002-05:00

You guys are a bunch of Starbucks crazies! Good thing I have two gift cards to share with some lucky winners.

Smith picked 'em. So, if you have any beef, take it up with him.

Email me your addresses ladies!

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

in the spirit of the season, i ask you to fall back, bitches

2011-12-22T11:45:00.000-05:00

2011 has been the year of the Ryans.

I mean, I'll be the first to admit, I love me some Gosling. He had me at The Notebook. Seriously, can someone please sweep me off my feet in a rain storm and tell me "It was never over!" and kiss me until I'm blue in the face? Because that's some pimp ass shit. Truth.

But apparently everyone else has also come to appreciate what I have known for years. Pinterest in full of recent pins of my Husband, Mister Ryan Rodney Reynolds.

I have to be honest here peeps. I kinda feel like you're encroaching on my triple R Parade and I really don't like it. I was the founder of the Ryan Reynolds ~~Stalker~~ Fan Club.

Its like that time in high school when you wore this really awesome new skirt that made you look bad to the ass hot. You walked into school feeling like a million bucks, ready for the adoration of your soon to be fashion fans and that one hot guy you've had your eye on for two years. But your boy crush was home sick that day. And then you come to school the next day and your nemesis with great hair and even better boobs wore the same skirt and oh, how he noticed. As did everyone else and somehow SHE was known as the new fashion plate and managed to snag YOUR would be prom date, then going on to win the Best Dressed Superlative for the year 1996 while you were stuck just getting praise for your insight into your paper on cryotherapy in chimps.

You people are stealing my RR thunder. So, I promptly as you to back the eff up off me in the spirit of the season. Go enjoy your Ryan Gosling and his fantastic brooding eyes and leave me to what I love best.

All you other thirsty bitches need to just step off. He was mine first.Oh, and Miss Lively? I don't approve of you either.

beautiful

2011-12-22T09:57:00.000-05:00

There are some gifts that are just so special. So near and dear to you. This is one of them.

My best friend Sandra surprised me with this today. I am in LOVE!

If you are looking for one yourself, there's a great Etsy seller, of course!

I'll be back tomorrow to draw the names for the Starbucks giveaway... did you get your entries in?

30 things

2011-12-21T10:43:00.000-05:00

Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.
Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.
Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. Read The Road Less Traveled.
Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.
Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.
Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.
Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.
Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will.
Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.
Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.
Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.
Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.
Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records.
Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.
Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.
Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right.
Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down. Breath. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.
Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.
Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.
Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.
Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.
Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.
Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.
Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read The How of Happiness.
Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

: thanks for sharing Sandra.

Mom Clothes

2011-12-20T09:03:00.004-05:00

I wear mom clothes.

Shannon and I shared some hooolarious discussions via HeyTell yesterday about the fact that I rock out my crushed velvet navy blue sweats on the weekends. Gah.

She informed me it was perfectly acceptable to wear at home when wrangling 17 month old semi-humans. But its against all laws of the universe to rock it to the mall. Which I do. All the time.

So, to redeem myself, I put together a fabulous number this morning.

I would never claim to be a fashionable girl. I wouldn't even dare say that I have a remote clue about what the latest styles are. I just know what's comfortable. And cheap.

Shirt - Old Navy $10. Skinny Jeans - Target $22. Boots - Target $8 on clearance.

... who says you have to shop at Nordstrom's to look adorable?

30 bucks

2011-12-19T15:45:00.000-05:00

Thirty bucks and a little good luck turned into a long time wish come true.

Sadly, we have never given much emphasis on our back yard. When we owned our old house, it was mainly a pooping playground for the dog. After we sold our home, we moved into a waterfront townhouse. Gorgeous view. But again, our focus was on saving some duckets instead of splurging on patio furniture.

I had just been talking to Kent about how I was hoping Santa would hear my wish and bring us some new duds for the backyard. Between the plethora of ducks that Smith has adopted, the beautiful palm trees, and now (finally) the great weather in South Florida, we can enjoy being outdoors a little more. We have been spending a lot of time outside lately, so I felt more pressure to rid ourselves of unsightly mishmash of plastic lawn furniture that graced our beautiful waterfront view.

On the way to the mall this weekend, we took a short cut through the neighborhood and low and behold, the patio furniture gods shined down on me. A beautiful wrought iron and slate set, complete with coordinating cushions.

I approached the strapping young man (with well groomed chest hair and a tussles of curls on top of his beautiful head) and made the inquiry.

Me: "Hi fabulously delicious gay man.. (okay, I didn't really say that)... how much are you wanting for your patio set?"

Handsome young fabulous gay man: "People have been trying to low ball me all day, but I'm standing firm. $30."

Me: (snickers... he said FIRM) I digress... "as in 3.0? 30?"

Handsome young fabulous gay man: "Yep"

Me: "Sold!"

After a quick trip to the local nursery, we turned our patio from a dud into a stud. Quite possibly my new favorite place in our house...

I am the worst blogger because I didn't take any before pictures. Quite frankly, I was embarassed. We were reaching epic white trash status with our plastic storage tubs, recycle bins, and primary colored kids toys... Its still got some work to go including pots for the plants, a vine to go across the trellis and a table for in between the Adirondack chairs, but its such a vast improvement.

However... any ideas on how I can convince the landlord to let us paint that god awful fence? Orange shouldn't even be a legit color. *gags*

a winner and a newbie

2011-12-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

I may or may not have completely forgotten about the Sticky Skins giveaway winner. My bad dollfaces. Bad Santa, Bad!

It was a crazy week. You know, I took a temporary vacation from Little Laws Prints so that I could somehow manage to find time to myself for once, but its been two weeks and I'm still busy as shit.

But enough about me, lets get to the goods, right? The winner of a FREE Sticky Skin is Summer! Ladycakes, send me an email and I will forward it onto to the Master Sticky Skin and you guys can work together on it.

In other news, who wants a $15 Starbucks gift certificate? I have TWO up for grabs. Yep.

Merry Christmas from your favorite blogger.

Leave comments below to enter. I'll draw two names on Friday. Booya!

Friday blues

2011-12-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Kent left last night around 7 for his weekly DJ gig. As much as I don't like being in the house alone, I do usually enjoy my nice and peaceful evenings of complete silence. I watch some Sex and the City reruns, I pour myself a ~~couple~~ cold glasses of wine and I relax. Its pretty rare when I have unlimited peace and quiet.

But last night I just started getting sad. For no apparent reason. You know the kind of sad that you can feel burning in your heart when, say, your puppy dies? Just all out sadness. I am tearing up just thinking about it.

I woke up this morning and still feel completely overwhelmed with sadness. I can't put my finger on it. I have no idea why. I mean, I did just get new shoes after all. New shoes are always cause for celebration. They shouldn't make you want to run to the nearest couch, bury yourself in blankets, and intentionally smear mascara all over your face to look on the outside how you feel on the inside.

I don't know.

I hope I can pull myself out of this.

decisions

2011-12-15T08:38:00.001-05:00

My office does a work retreat every year. Primarily as a team building day with a side of guest speakers and a little education on the industry we're in.

This year, one of our team building tasks was this insane scavenger hunt around our office. I'll spare you the details, but thank GOD I got a good team this year because we came in 2nd place. And by winning 2nd place, we also scored an amazon gift card. Yeah.

So, as I do with all other gift cards, I kinda horded it for a few weeks trying to decide what to do with it. I have it nailed down to two goodies. I just cannot decide, for the life of me, which I should get.

I am a shoe whore. I am also a handbag whore. Which leaves me in quite the predicament... dolls, do you have any thoughts on this?

On a completely unrelated note, I ran across this gem last night...

apparently i'll just put any old thing up on the internet these days. #noshame

Yeah...

July of 2010... 9 months pregnant with smurf. My god, I was literally twice the size of my Husband. I love you assholes for telling me that I looked great back then. But you are a bunch of lying ass mofos.

Oh, and BTW, another great decision is to take advantage of Plum District's $25 for $50 restaurant.com and a free $25 Target gift card. Why wouldn't you do this?

Bah Humbug

2011-12-14T08:47:00.001-05:00

Me, the queen of all things paper, decided to save my sanity and send out a virtual Christmas card this year. I mean, I know. I KNOW! *hangs head in shame*

But it was necessary this year. We are just far too busy.

Peep this and Merry Christmas to you and yours...

Don't forget the giveaway here! Only two more days to enter.

long term vacancy

2011-12-13T12:05:00.003-05:00

With all these cray cray baby announcements around these here parts, I felt the need to do a little baby pimping of my own. And probably not in the way you’d expect.

You know how when you get married the first thing people ask you is “when are you having kids?” And you kinda want to punch them in the throat because for goddsake, the damn ink isn’t even dry on the marriage certificate.

A similar thing happens when you finally pop out that first kid. “When are you giving the little precious, sleeping, reasonable, and perfectly adorable and not-at-all expensive baby a brother or a sister?”

Dammit. Seriously?

My uterus finally shrunk to a less than planetary size last month and you already want me to start filling it up again with a new precious, non-sleeping, non-reasonable, semi-human?

If you are honest, like I am, you typically respond with a “we’re not sure we’re going to give the semi-human a sibling. And if we do, it’ll definitely be a few years down the road after I have had my share of sleep and wine.”

You are then met with a bitch slap of gasps and oh em gee’s, followed by a 5 minute dissertation on how unfair it is to not give your baby a sibling. How you are just exacerbating an already assumingly spoiled only child. How crazy it is to even consider being a family of three instead of 4. Or 5. Or 6. I've gotten a few of those "well, it isn't for everyone" comments in response which infuriates me to no end. I take it as an assumption that I can't handle it. Which is obviously not the case. I just am choosing not to.

It’s like I spit on their first born or something.

Listen, I am more than happy to celebrate the newly inhabited uterus any of my friends. I am also ecstatic when someone welcomes a new baby into their family.

But that doesn’t mean I am ready to turn the vacancy sign around and fill up my uterus again. More power to those that do. Because I am truly happy for you. I LOVE BABIES!

But I am perfectly fine raising just one. And feel it completely ridiculous and unnecessary that I have to explain my choice to the next pain in the ass acquaintance that feels she has an inside opinion on my lady bits and what I choose to do with them.

sleep?

2011-12-13T08:42:00.000-05:00

Blogger is being such an asshole. In case you didn't see it because it posted at, oh, 8pm last night when I clearly hit the publish post button at noon, I am hosting a giveaway here.

Oh, my friends, but the annoyance doesn't end there. Oh no. You don't get off that easy.

I am desperate for some sleep. I am also desperate for someone to find my semi-reasonable, sleeping, normal, beautiful non-whiney baby. He has been replaced with the crackhead offspring of what I'm assuming is the exorcist coupled with one of those bitchy 4 year olds on Toddlers and Tiaras.

Where is my happy, beautiful son?

Is it possible for the terrible two's to start at 17 months old? If this is just the beginning, I am in for a long haul. And will promptly be asking Santa for a padded room and an all inclusive stay at Betty Ford for a few weeks.

And for all you pregnant moms out there, sorry for destroying your dreams. But not really. I hear some moms have miracle babies that sleep and eat and resemble humans at some point. Apparently my kid skipped that line when they were handing out "normal" and instead picked up the crazy instead.

a sticky giveaway and a little thanks

2011-12-12T13:15:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all of the well wishes for my little smurf. He is finally on the mend and back to eating again. There's not much more frightening than watching your little man so violently ill. But I am happy to report he's back to his normal self with a little extra side of whine just for good measure.

My dear friend Khaled has his own business. And you KNOW how much I love supporting entrepreneurs. This guy is the bomb dizzle in all things electronic with a little flare. He's also the bomb dizzle doggy sitter too.

Sticky Skins sells custom cell phone, laptop, gaming devices, and iPads skins. You can select from a variety of predesigned skins or you can even design your own. Sticky skins aren't just for looks, but also protect from scratches and other damage to your electronics.

Khaled gifted me with several skins of my favorite 30 inch tall bundle of drool and babble. Isn't it adorable?

Two good things coming your way. 1. a giveaway of your very own skin! And 2. 50% off now through Christmas with the code "merrychristmas50" at checkout. Perfect for your last minute stocking stuffers, right?

So, in order to win - leave a comment for each:

Follow FNS
Head on over to Sticky Skins and like them on Facebook
Share their 50% off promotion through Facebook, Blogger, or Twitter and leave me the url

Drawing will be held on Thursday! Good luck and don't forget to shop their sale!

voms

2011-12-09T15:25:00.001-05:00

Just popping in to ask for a little good vibes to be sent our way on this gloomy flu'd up (get it?) Friday.

I awoke last night at 10:30pm to screams coming from Smith's room. Kent was djing downtown and wasn't quite home yet, so I made my way into his room. I found my poor sweet boy standing in the corner of his bed covered in vomit. I'll spare you the details. Because I am certain they are ingrained in my mind forever. The site was absolutely horrifying.

I quickly undressed Smith, swooped him up and headed for the shower. His little body was trembling. We cleaned up and just as we were stepping out of the shower, Kent walked into the door to help. He manned operation change EVERYTHING in the crib while I dressed and rocked my sweet baby boy, still trembling.

His fever kicked in and we were up every few hours last night and in through the morning. Thankfully the vomiting has stopped, but the fever lingers. He took a four hour nap this morning and is now an hour into his second one.

mickey's and daddy's make it all better

I am a pro at the cold business. I am even good with the cough stuff. But this vomiting and fever shit? Scares me to death.

I just want my baby to be better. Please send some good thoughts our way. There's not much worse than watching your little babe so sick and miserable.

sneak peek

2011-12-08T07:57:00.006-05:00

Boy do I have some goodies coming for you.

I'll give you a sneak peek... can anyone guess what it is?

There might be one in it for you too VERY SOON! And if you are my friend on Facebook, you better shut yo mouf or I will black list you from the giveaway on account of my utter exhaustion and captain screamy face child.

Bare witness to this morning's events.

turn the volume up... not sure what's up with my iPhone and the low sound on the video setting

any tech geeks want to help me out with some suggestions? bueller? bueller?and no my finger wasn't over the microphone.

In a completely unrelated note, I have a 16 month old up for sale to the highest bidder.

Throw in a case of Miller Lite and he's yours.

a white (trashed) crimmus tree

2011-12-07T10:49:00.002-05:00

We decided to put up our Christmas tree. The real / fake tree instead of a table top. The one that is approximately 6 feet tall and requires an accoutrement of glass balls dangling off of it. The tree that will forever be known as the bane of my existence.

you know how kids have favorite blankets? mine has favorite brooms. truth.

I'd like to know who's brilliant idea it was to require breakable pieces of toddler magnets to adorn a tree that you keep INSIDE of your house. If you really think about the tradition of it all, its pretty damn ridiculous. A tree. INSIDE your house. Decorated with painted balls and lights. I mean honestly, its like suggesting to build a sandbox in your living room (which I did when I was about 5 actually. My ass is STILL bruised from that incident thankyouverymuch).

The tree looked good for approximately 2.2 minutes when all balls started breaking lose and shattering over the wood floors. Smith was, understandably, excited about this new addition to our living room. Kent sat on the couch cursing me under his breath for even making an attempt. While I began digging through my purse for the bright red bottle of medicated deliciousness known as xanax.

Thankfully Smith has since decided that the novelty of this whole tree in the house thing has worn off. Just as the extra dose of the X did for me. Le sigh. Or it just could be that only the top half of the tree houses our ornaments now. The bottom half is bare as a baby's ass. Ghetto fabulous anyone?

But at least it feels like Christmas.

Christmas on pills and booze. But Christmas nonetheless.

did you know I am an icon?

2011-12-06T11:14:00.002-05:00

I'm not a big numbers girl. Unless you are the amazing woman that took my weight the other day and told me I was 3lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight and then I'll lick your face.

But what's going on around here? I see the numbers in that little bar on the left going down. Was it something I said? Too many shit bombs or poop talk?

I guess some ladies just can't appreciate a Social Media Icon. Yep. I even have a plaque to prove it. So, take that effers.

(disclaimer - the award was given by my company at this years retreat... perhaps my internet browsing history finally shed light onto the fact that FB and Blogger are my #1s. That, and my Ryan Reynolds board on Pinterest. Meow).

I'm still not sure if this was a joke or meant to be serious. I still have my job... even a promotion in fact, so I guess that says something?

Shepherd's Pie

2011-12-06T09:31:00.001-05:00

I am a good cook. Or at least I think so. For a long time I thought that the ability to whip up a delicious meal skipped a generation in my family. My grandmothers skills in the kitchen was limited to spaghetti and meatballs. And maybe mashed potatoes on a good day.

My mom, however, can kick some cooking ass. I was the most well fed kid on the block. Thankfully she was also smart about her cooking and didn't load us up with tons of high fat / high calorie meals. It didn't hurt that I was sporting a thyroid condition that caused me to be a skinny little twit for most of my life either.

I cook a lot at home. I do. Granted, our meals are limited to ease and simplicity out of the mere fact that I usually have a 16 month old dangling off my thigh at any given time. Have you ever tried to measure anything while holding a 27lb child? I am skilled folks, but not that skilled.

Last night I attempted to make peace with the Husband and prepare one of his favorite meals. The guy loves Shepherds Pie. Delicious. Now, mine still isn't nearly as good as my mothers, but I give it a good A- on a good day.

As I put the pie into the oven, I began to question my ingredients. Something seemed off, but I couldn't place my finger on it. And since I don't typically cook based on a recipe, I had no cheat sheet to determine what may have gone wrong.

Well, my friends. One bite into the Shepherd's Pie and Kent discovered the culprit. Instead of Red Cooking Wine, I used Red Wine Vinegar.

.......

That shit tasted like boardwalk fries drenched in vinegar with a side of gross.

WIFE FAIL! That will teach me to cook, entertain a 16 month old, cut LLP stationery, and talk at the same time.

um, excuse me mom... you f*cked up dinner

Le sigh...

On another note, Teen Mom is back tonight! Who's excited? THIS girl!!!!!!!!!!!

"merry?" christmas

2011-12-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas. Yep, that about sums it up.

a half assed recap

2011-12-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

I may or may not be certifiably losing my shit. Busy doesn't even begin to describe the chaos that is my life right now. For each bit of it, I am thankful. But for each bit of it, I am also this much closer to becoming bff's with the nurses at Betty Ford. My Mother In Law might join me too. God love her!

this is how we do disney. judge if you wanna

My LLP business is booming, ya'll! BOOMING! And a lot of my gratitude goes to you find dollfaces. I couldn't be more grateful for all of the amazing love I get from you guys. And Smith's college fund is definitely smiling. THANK YOU THANK YOU!

And just an FYI, we are taking holiday orders and guaranteeing delivery by Christmas only through Wednesday next week. Just in case you were thinking about getting your LLP on. And why wouldn't you. Great stocking stuffers, people!

* * * * *

As I inch further and further away from our Disney trip, I have come to the realization that with so much on my plate, I am never going to get around to doing a full, in depth post about how magically amazing that weekend was.

So, call me lazy. Or busy. Or just plain simple, but you're getting stuck with a few photos.

This is where you, the readers, can make like 5th grade and "choose your own adventure" by letting your own imagination tell the story of our visit. Fair enough? And maybe just for fun you can make one of those origami triangle things or play a fun game of M.A.S.H. I always got stuck with the shack and some astronomical number of kids. Thank God that shit didn't come true.

click to enlarge

We saw a lot. We ate a lot. We drank a lot. We didn't sleep for shit. But we had an amazing time. Animal Kingdom is where its at, yall.

The best and most important part of the weekend was that we spent it with family and best friends. It was incredible.

* * * * *

Catch you dolls on the flip side of cray-cray!

in the wise words of Samuel L Jackson... just GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP

2011-11-29T15:12:00.001-05:00

I LOVE my son. Love him. I do! As apparent by the diarrhea explosion of Turtle pictures that grace this blog every day. And be honest, you miss my snark right? I'm not good at the sappy shit. It just doesn't ooze KLaw. I try. I do. I want to be the overly adoring mother that shits nothing but puppy dogs and rainbows. But lets face it. If you know me, you know that I can only stomach that for so long.

Traveling with a 16 month old is a bitch. Lets be honest here. And if your kid is one of the chosen ones that rocks that shit like its their business, well then, my friend we cannot be... friends. Just like we couldn't be friends when your 3 month old slept through the night for 14 hours straight. Because just a short two months ago, I would have cut a bitch for saying something like that to me. What Smurf has in looks and utter deliciousness, he lacks in ability to let his mama get some good shut eye.

Which leads me back to the madness that was this past weekend. I will recap the good dirty details in another post to come (which has been put on hiatus because I still can't find 10 minutes to download the photos from my camera). But for now, you will have to suffer through the three nights of no sleep with me. Mmmkay? There might be a giveaway in it for you this week if you bear with me. Just maybe.

As you all know, because I screamed it from the depths of my soul for 14 months, my son didn't sleep through the night. Up until his 14 month birthday, he was up two or three times a night. Most of the time requiring bottles to "GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP". Kent and I were miserable. It was painful enough that it became one of the determining factors of if we would ever have another child. And at this point, our wounds are still too raw from that battle to even consider another baby (so if you are looking for that baby #2 announcement, you can promptly back the eff up off me).

All was well and good in the Lawlor hizzy until we decided it would be a good idea to visit my sister in Orlando over Thanksgiving. She's working as a post graduate intern for Disney and can hook us up with some free tickets, so off we went. A three hour drive north on the Florida Turnpike and we were there drinking beers and giving the Mouse high fives. True story.

But when it came time to sleep, we were effed up one side and down another. The kid was up every couple of hours for three nights straight. By the time Sunday rolled around, the largest box-o-delicious and bottomless bottle of xanax wasn't enough to keep me from losing my shit completely.

Smith was miserable. A trooper that LOVED every second of his waking hours outside his pack and play at the fabulous Orlando Hilton Double Tree Hotel, but he was an ass otherwise.

I get it. Kids don't travel well at this age. I didn't really expect anything more than what we got. I was just praying for a miracle (and more wine). But although mommy & daddy were tired, nothing beat this display of pathetically adorable exhaustion on Sunday morning.

... and this is why I will not be traveling overnights again until Smith turns the ripe old age of 13.

a never before seen photo

2011-11-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

Summer just found this little gem from our visit back in May and sent it to me yesterday.

My eyes filled with happy tears.

I love this.

And I miss my busy, pastry chef friend. Love you lady.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one

2011-11-28T09:13:00.001-05:00

Anyone else completely exhausted after having a 4 day weekend? My god I'm tired.

Once I pick my eyelids off the floor, I'll recap the hell out of our little trip to Orlando and the Animal Kingdom adventure.

In the meantime, I bid you adieu. And beg you to send some wine... my box is empty. Oh the horror!

Oh and just because I lurve you, I am offering 25% off at Little Laws Prints today with the code "cybermondayllp" at checkout. Today only, so stop slackin.

Happy Spanks to you and yours

2011-11-23T09:53:00.002-05:00

Good morning dolls! Although by the time this shit actually shows up in your readers, it'll be about 4pm. Blogger needs to get their shit together.

Smizzurf and family are headed to Orlando for a little Mickey Mouse / Animal Kingdom action on Good Friday. I have waited for this opportunity since Turtle was born. Its going to be absolutely incredible to see all of this goodness through the eyes of a 16 month old.

Hope you and your family have a beautiful Spanksgiving! Until next time America...

Surprise!

2011-11-22T08:40:00.001-05:00

My birthday week ended with a bang!

My best friend Sandra coordinated a fabulous surprise party for me this year at our favorite watering hole in Fort Lauderdale, LaserWolf. Just an amazing night with even more amazing friends.

Thank you Sandra for making my birthday so special. This girl is one in a million. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Miranda, KLaw, and Sandra

My bff with a photo bomb from Marc

Fort Lawdy's best catch, Neal

Shawty

The Estes

Thats how I roll

Neal & Nic

My Boo

32 is going to be a great year!

DIY Sunburstin

2011-11-21T09:57:00.000-05:00

The the throws of a massive hangover from my surprise birthday party (more on that later), I decided to add a little sumthin sumthin to our dining area with a Pinterest inspired DIY project.

This little nook in our dining room has been neglected since we moved in. And what better than a sunburst mirror, right?

I consider myself pretty crafty. But if it weren't for Pinterest, otherwise known as the shit that makes mommies and wives look good, the wall would still be baron and I wouldn't have gotten some kudos from Husband.

Isn't it cute? Their version is over $200. Mine was $12. Holler!

Out of the Darkness fundraiser

2011-11-21T08:41:00.000-05:00

Little Laws Prints is helping in a fundraising effort for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. My best friend Karen lost her brother to suicide two years ago. And with the upcoming anniversary of his death, Karen has teamed up with various others including myself to raise money in hopes of preventing this tragedy from happening to another family.

Karen and her late brother Chris

Please consider making some of your holiday purchases from the following vendors with proceeds going to the AFSP.

click to enlarge

Please take a look and share with anyone you may know. This cause is very important to me and would mean the world to Karen and her brother.

Does this officially make me a stalker?

2011-11-18T08:12:00.001-05:00

First of all, what is the deal with Blogger? Posts take literally hours to show up in the reader. FAIL.

Do you know what's bad to the ass about blogging though? You meet some really amazing people.

I consider you guys my friends. And some of those friends are really, really good friends. The kind of friends that know you inside and out. The kind of friends that you exchange heytells and drunk texts with. The kind of friends that understand your ~~obsession~~ love for all things Miller Lite and Ryan Reynolds. The kind of friends that make you shirts like this for your birthday.

Have you seen anything more amazing in your life? No, I'm not talking about my muffin top.

Marcy teased me for weeks about something she was putting together for my big birthday. And my god did she follow through. Its the most glorious thing I have ever seen.

And you know I'm going to rock that shit. Fierce!

Thank you Marcy! You made my day.

boys vs girls

2011-11-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

Little Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

Little Boys are made of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.

The difference between raising boys and girls becomes more evident with each passing day. Look at this adorable side by side of Shannon's little girl Kendall and my baby boy Smith.

Our night night text messages ended up eliciting some laughter on account of how different these two are simply as a result of wee wee's versus baby girly parts.

Take note of my disheveled boy with his thumb up his nose, snuggling three blankets - none of which he will allow me to cover him with while sleeping in the death trap of Mickey versus Eeoyre, belly hanging out and diaper pulled up to his neck, sporting a tee shirt and soft pants for pajamas because his mama didn't do laundry.

Meanwhile, the beautiful Miss Kendall is very daintily and peacefully sleeping all ladylike under her adorable pink blanket with delicate satin trim laying gently so across her neck. The curls on the back of her head still in perfect shape as if she was meeting her friends for tea in her dreams.

I don't understand boys. And I certainly don't know how to raise one considering I wear eyeliner and blush to the gym.

This whole penis business is throwing me for a loop.

To Trim...

2011-11-16T09:36:00.002-05:00

I am at a Christmas crossroad. A question has been posed. One that I thought I would never have to debate. One that seemed completely ridiculous considering traditions dating back a hundred years.

Do we put up a Christmas tree this year?

Before you go all "what the eff are you smoking today, klaw" on me... hear me out.

a 5 month old Smurf - Christmas 2010

I have a small house. And a toddler with fingers quicker than a thousand thieves on speed. A toddler that somehow manages to find the smallest pieces of "no-no's" and promptly shove them directly into his pie hole.

I can't even discuss the random assortment of shit that has graced the mouth of my toddler. Up to and including real, actual shit. See the post here. So the idea of trimming a tree and worrying myself silly over which ornament piece will show up in his diaper in a few days is too much for me to handle.

Oh and that whole idea of just trimming the top part of the tree where everything will be out of reach? That wouldn't stop boyfriend from shoving bare tree limbs in his mouth either.

So I think we're forgoing a big tree this year. And maybe stick to trimming our mouths with food and wine instead.

Has anyone else gone through this?

birthday wishes

2011-11-16T09:16:00.000-05:00

I am just beyond myself at all of the love and well wishes I received yesterday. My birthday was fantastic from start to finish. I feel more loved than I ever have before. Just beautiful. Everything I ever wished for was granted. I have amazing friends, a beautiful family, a wonderful Husband, and the most delicious baby.

Thank you for all of your kind words, happy birthday wishes, and most importantly for telling me I'm skinny. That my friends, is priceless. Especially as I'm gnawing on another Payday for breakfast this morning. Booya.

Gray Hairs and Giveaways

2011-11-15T09:37:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to me!

This morning I turned 22 32. Eff. How in the world does that happen? I swear that I'm still 19 and the 1998 keg parties were just a few years ago.

But then the gray hairs and cracking knees make a loud appearance and I am quickly reminded that I'm not a spring chicken. But despite my aging body, my heart is bigger and more fulfilled than ever before.

And how effing amazing is Marcy for THIS? Ah! Love it! Love her!

And in honor of the big 3-2, I have one final giveaway for you. The beautiful and charming Mandy of Loving My Charmed Life is hosting a giveaway for all of the First Name Smith readers.

Mandy started her business as a way to raise funds for her domestic adoption. She is incredibly talented and giving, and sweet to boot. Consider Mandy for all of your embroidery needs. You are not only supporting her, but also her hopes to become a mommy one day soon. And that, my friends is priceless.

Mandy is offering one FNS reader a tee shirt or onesie of their choice! Check out her latest Christmas ties. SO cute!

What do you need to do to win?

Follow FNS
Wish me a happy birthday and tell me I look young
Check out Loving My Charmed Life on Etsy and like her page
Blog, Tweet, Facebook about the giveaway.

Leave a comment for each that you do. Winner will be drawn on Friday!

MImi & Chip Giveaway winner

2011-11-14T13:40:00.000-05:00

Winner of the Mimi & Chip giveaway is...

Congrats Alison! I'll put you in touch with them. Please send me your email address.

Thank you to everyone who hosted giveaways to celebrate my birthday! Hope you all enjoyed them. New ones to come soon.

weekend recap

2011-11-14T09:42:00.000-05:00

My sister came to visit this weekend. She's currently rocking a post-graduate internship at Disney and decided to take a little side trip down to South Florida to see us.

She hasn't seen Turtle since he was 10 months old. He has changed an assload since then. Walking, talking, temper tantrum throwing. Oh how fabulous.

For having a weekend with no plans, we sure did end up with a shitload on our plate. Of course it all started with baby snuggling time.

We spent a lot of time catching up, learning the inside secrets of Disney World, drinking wine. Eating food. Gossiping and generally enjoying each others company. Brie is every inch a typical 22 year old and makes me so proud. I love that girl so much.

* * * *

My dear friend Sandra ran a hellova 1/2 marathon this weekend and we were there to cheer her on at the finish line.

beautiful morning at the beach

Smurf hanging with Aunt Brie

Kinda like where's waldo but with a temper tantrum throwing 15 month old

go Sandra! Its ~~your~~ my birthday!

What an accomplishment! I couldn't possibly do what she does. The dedication it takes to train for such an event is amazing. Not only is she beautiful, but she's a hell of an athlete too. Congrats Sandra!

We capped the weekend off with a little BBQ'ing at casa de Lawlor with the grandparents and Sandra & Kaylee.

its almost like he knows how cute he is

you're too much, kid

snuggles with Kaylee

getting lovin from grandma

The icing on the cake was my first birthday present of the year. My mother in law gave me the most beautiful dress form. I am in awe. Its GOREGOUS!

Looks like I'll be scouring Pinterest today for ideas!

How was your weekend dolls?

straddling both sides

2011-11-11T11:33:00.000-05:00

Though I have only been his mother for 15 months, Smith has changed me more than anything that I could have even comprehended. My love for this little guy extends far beyond the depths of anything that I have every experienced. He is simply the most amazing little man and I am so honored that I get to wake up to his amazingly delicious face every morning.

Having experienced a loss during our first pregnancy, I have seen both sides of the fence. I have experienced both immense grief as well as joy far greater than I knew my heart could feel. After we lost the first baby, I was angry. I didn't understand the greater purpose. I was resentful of other women and how easily pregnancy and children came to them. I didn't understand why I wasn't one of the lucky ones. When I heard women complain about sleepless nights or their children's temper tantrums, I couldn't understand. How dare they complain? I WISH that I could complain. They have something so precious and they don't even appreciate it.

I read it a lot on the blogs. The ones struggling with infertility are angry at the mothers that have children and express their frustration with parenting. I get it. I have been there. I know what it feels like to long for something and be angry and resentful at those who have it. And now I also know what it feels like to love something to the depths of my soul, but still need a break from it at the same time.

Motherhood is hard business. There are no time outs. There are no re-do's. There is no vacation. There is no I don't feel like it today. But there are snuggles. There are belly laughs and tickles. And there is unconditional love. Even if that love means that sometimes you need to take a break and walk away before your emotions get the best of you.

Despite my loss and because of my miracle, I am able to sympathize with both sides; the mothers who are working on three hours of sleep and trying to find their path in this maze of parenthood. While I can also still appreciate the frustration that others feel when reading about others successes.

I have been given a gift to empathize with both sides. And that makes me grateful for everything that I have gone through in the past three years, the good and the bad. Anger has been replaced with empathy. And resentment has been replaced by compassion.

I am grateful for it all.

LLP giveaway winner!

2011-11-11T09:07:00.001-05:00

Since I am feeling particularly generous on account of my ridiculously clean house, I am drawing not one, but TWO winners for the Little Laws Prints Christmas Countdown print.

First winner is Amber of The Daily Dose. Congrats doll!

Second lucky lady is Karen of Patching Hearts. Congrats lady!

Ladies, send me your mailing address and I will ship it off to you first thing on Monday. For everyone else, remember that I do offer a 10% discount to all blog friends with the code "blogger" at checkout.

Thank you to everyone who participated. Gives me the warm and fuzzies inside to know that you all like my designs so much. I couldn't have dreamed that my little business would take off as much as it has. And for YOU guys I am grateful.

Thank you!

And don't forget there's still time to enter the Mimi & Chip giveaway. Drawing for that on Monday.

Karma and Komodos

2011-11-10T09:14:00.002-05:00

Are you guys enjoying all this birthday love I'm spreading? Don't forget the two giveaways that are running now... Little Laws Prints & Mimi and Chip.

You'd think with all this good karma I'm spreading, I'd get some in return. Instead, the state of Florida sent me a bill for my tag renewal ($75) and my license renewal ($50) for my birthday. Isn't that awesome? It'd be nice if they reconsidered their renewal policies to be calendar year rather than birth date. Effers.

I did get myself a birthday gift this year. And her name is Patricia, the cleaning lady extraordinaire. While it most likely will not be a long term thing, just knowing that I don't have to pick up a mop or a broom this birthday weekend is all I ask for. As if the typical work day wasn't long enough, I cannot wait to get home and see our house sparkle. There's not much worse in my book than cleaning bathrooms. Unless you consider Miley's gums or (anyone's) feet. And then I just lose my shit all together.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The family and I hit up the Palm Beach Zoo this past weekend. Although Smurf could have enjoyed it months ago, the South Florida temperatures in the summer make anything outdoors too brutal to bear. So, we patiently waited and took advantage of an overnight visit with the grandparents to make our first trip.

The zoo didn't disappoint and Turtle loved every bit of it. Almost as much as Mom and Dad did. Something about two toed sloths and Komodo dragons get me every bit as excited as a 4 year old would.

Enough with the banter... You are really only here for my free shit and my kid anyway.

thats a hellova good lookin family

scoping out the duck ducks with grandma

lunch

mom, this thing stinks

buuuuuuurd

my grandparents are cooler than your grandparents

yeah, this is at the zoo. seriously.

Apparently I'll never use my real camera again. This whole iPhone business is where its at.

Get a Melissa & Doug 25% Off Coupon When You Take the North "Poll"

2011-11-09T10:55:00.002-05:00

Melissa & Doug want you to tell them which of their educational toys you think is the best! Just click on the image below to place your vote in the North "Poll!" You'll Get a Melissa & Doug 25% Off Coupon** to use at MelissaAndDoug.com just for voting!

MittenMomma Giveaway WINNER!

2011-11-09T08:53:00.000-05:00

Thanks again to Darci for hosting the MittenMomma giveaway!

A winner was drawn this morning and its the lovely and beautiful "B" from Wacky Amazing Real Life. Lady, shoot me an email with your address and I'll get you in touch with Darci.

Don't forget the Little Laws Prints giveaway and stay tuned for a new one posting today too! All this giveaway love is making me warm and snuggley inside. Maybe I'll put away my snark for the day....

Nah.

Mimi & Chip giveaway!

2011-11-08T16:15:00.009-05:00

Continuing with the birthday giveaways, I have the perfect one for all you mommies out there!

The beautiful and talented Megan of Mimi and Chip has the most adorable personalized items in her shop.

Megan was sweet enough to offer up your choice of: a owl shirt with matching headband - perfect for any little beauty, an initial shirt, or a personalized birthday or holiday shirt! The winner can select any color / size combination.

What do you need to do to win? Leave a comment for each.

Follow First Name Smith
Check out Mimi & Chip on Facebook and like their page. Keep up to date on deals and new items!
Check out their blog and leave a comment on your favorite item.
Tell me how much you love me for giving away all this swag.

Winner will be drawn on Monday. Good luck dolls! And special thanks to Megan for hosting!

Christmas Countdown Print Giveaway

2011-11-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

In continuing with the giveaways, I am hosting one from my very own shop! Totally bad to the ass that I'm giving YOU stuff for MY birthday, right?

Little Laws Prints is giving away one 8x10 Christmas Countdown print. All you have to do is frame it and use a dry erase marker to count down the days on the glass. Perfection!

Isn't it adorable?

To win, leave a comment for each.

Follow First Name Smith
Check out my website and tell me your favorite things
Like my Facebook page for special discounts and other giveaways
Tweet, blog, or facebook about the giveaway for a final chance to win.

Winner will be drawn on Friday! And don't forget the MittenMomma giveaway winner will be drawn tomorrow. There's still a chance to win.

(if you have your own business and wish to sponsor a giveaway, email me and we can chat!)

.. As If!

2011-11-08T11:10:00.001-05:00

I'm sure you all have heard that the Duggars are pregnant with the their 20th child. My uterus hurts at the mere thought of that nonsense.

But the biggest question I have isn't about finances or managing nap times. Or even discipline.

It's how in the WORLD they have the energy to do sexytimes with 19 other anklebiters running around? I have one. ONE and I can barely find energy to shave my legs. Sex? As in enough sex to produce a fetus? Gurrrl please.

Fall back my ass

2011-11-08T08:59:00.000-05:00

You know what's a bitch? This time change bidnass.

Who's mutha effing idea was it to screw with the perfectly respectable schedule of a 15 month old? Turtle is a hot mess going to bed an hour later, but meanwhile hasn't gotten the memo that he can sleep in an hour longer. Boyfriend was in his crib screaming ELMO!!!!! at 6:02am. PS- he has seen ONE episode of Sesame Street in his day. One. But he's in lurve with the red doh-doh.

You know what's not a bitch though?

Pool time in November. Be jealous bitches. Be very jealous.

MittenMomma Giveaway!

2011-11-04T14:01:00.002-04:00

Hey dolls! I have another giveaway for you. I told you that I take this birthday thing VERY seriously!

The next fab giveaway comes from my dear sweet cousin twice removed (or something like that. I still haven't sat down to figure out how that whole thing works).

Darci has this fabulous shop on Etsy, MittenMomma. They are beautiful, hand crafted felted wool mittens for adults and wee ones. While I can't even fathom cold weather here in South Florida, apparently it gets frosty enough up yonder to require some of these beauties.

Darci is offering up a $15 gift certificate to her shop! This can be used for something already stitched or a custom design. These would make fabulous Christmas gifts or even as a splurge for yourself.

To win - leave a comment for each

Follow First Name Smith
Visit MittenMomma and tell us your favorite
Check out her facebook page and hit the old LIKE button
Blog, Tweet, Facebook, or smoke signal about this giveaway for one last chance

Winner will be drawn on Wednesday!

Winner Winner

2011-11-04T08:34:00.002-04:00

Happy Friday dolls!

What's in store this weekend? We're making our way up to see grandma and 'papa'. Smith is starting to get the shakes from grandparent withdrawls. And tonight, mama gets to throw down at happy hour. Booya!

Speaking of work, did you see the cutest new Little Laws Prints Christmas Countdown print? Just frame it and use a dry erase marker to count down the days. I know two special ladies, Shannon and AP, are picking up one for their home this year. You know you want one too... 10% off with the code "blogger" at checkout!

Speaking of Shannon... we have a Tastefully Simple Winner! Its not often that #1 is the lucky number, but apparently she's got some winning tiger blood because she scored some sweet chocolately loot. And if you email Karen your order by Sunday, you will get a FREE recipe book, Individual Garlic Garlic, or Oh My Itty Bitty Chai.

Happy weekend dolls. Winner for the Wine Sunday giveaway will be drawn on Monday. Get your comments in!

A Wine Sunday giveaway

2011-11-03T08:59:00.003-04:00

Next up on the giveaway train is the lovely, the beautiful, and the kick ass new mommy Jennifer of Wine Sunday!

Jenn is the brain child behind these adorable, affordable, and perfect for any wino gifts!

Jenn loves me. So you get to reap the benefits of all that love because she's giving away at $25 gift certificate to her shop!

Wouldn't these make awesome gifts for the wine lover in your family?

What to do to win? Leave a comment for each.

Follow FNS
Hit up her Etsy shop and tell us what you'd use your gift certificate for
Like her facebook page
Blog, tweet, or FB about the giveaway for another entry

Winner will be picked on Monday!

enough shit for one day

2011-11-03T08:09:00.001-04:00

Smith had his 15 month checkup yesterday. First thing the doctor says? "God he's got a huge head".

.... really? I hadn't noticed.

Smith's head is big. In fact, when you look at him directly from behind, his shoulder width and dome piece width are about equivalent. Okay, not really that bad, but irregardless he's got a melon. All the hair he sports certainly isn't helping to deflect the obvious.

But he's my big headed, beautiful baby. That big head has become a blessing because its affording him the smarts. The kid is off the charts ahead of his game for his age, and especially considering he's a boy. Words directly from the doctors mouth. My kid is a genius. Beautiful, funny, and smart? He's a triple threat. He's also 27 lbs, and 31 inches tall. And every inch a mama's boy.

But with the 15 month checkup also comes the shots. Two in each arm and one in the thigh. Boyfriend wailed. Ear piercing screams. There's not much worse than holding your baby's arms down and watching his face turn bright purple from the pain. My heart breaks every time.

We stopped at Dairy Queen on the way home to get a little treat. I like to think it helped. Downing a Butterfinger Blizzard certainly made mama feel better. That and the glass of wine waiting for me at home.

Once we arrived home, we were greeted with two massive piles of still fresh and steaming dog shit on the floor. With a side of pee puddles just for good measure. Mookie is nearing 10 years old and she almost never has accidents. But apparently the kitty doo-doo mints she's been eating on during the day has made her tummy upset. Can't imagine why.

I cleaned up two piles of poop, nearly vomited on myself twice. Sent the dog outside on the back porch where Smith promptly followed. Somehow the damn cat got out and jumped the fence, so I was stuck juggling a baby, a diarrhea dog, and a frisky cat (don't forget the glass of wine too... priorities people).

And just when I thought I hadn't had enough for one afternoon, Smith stops in mid play and puts on his best poop face. Effing fabulous.

Didn't I just clean up enough shit? On top of the scream fest and all out search and rescue for Charlie Cat.

To make matters worse, we had an insurance guy come over last night to set us up with a healthy life insurance policy. You know, just in case Kent expires from abuse of YouTube videos and I kick the curb from one too many boxes o delicious. And with all the candles and air freshener, I swear it still smelled like dog shit. Just the impression I want to make on a stranger.

Irregardless, something about buying life insurance makes you feel grown up. As if the baby, the husband, the three pets, the big girl job, the side business, and the ever increasing amount of gray hairs weren't enough.

When did I get so old?

SWW

2011-11-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

So what if I spend my ENTIRE day talking to Shannon via HeyTell, text, email, and spoke signals. This girl rocks my socks and I couldn't get through a day without her.

So what if I lost my shit this morning because I cannot possibly be doing twenty things at one time. If the flooding in our house this week wasn't bad enough, we now have a terrible ant problem and a 31 inch tall mamas boy hanging on my every move. Just this morning I debated on how I could flat iron my hair while holding Smith and reading to him at the same time just to stop the screamies. How I haven't been sequestered into a padded room with a helmet is beyond me.

So what if I am celebrating my birthday month with giveaways right and left. Do you remember last year? Husband and I got food poisoning and spent my entire birthday on the bathroom floor vomiting. Awesomepsice. This year its got to be better. Oh, and for godssake, please enter the giveaways. Its free shit. FREE!

So what if instead of going home last night after work, I just wanted to make a pit stop at 7-11 for a 24oz, brown bagged Miller Lite and go sit at the beach. Some days I just really want no responsibility. Does that make me a bad mom?

So what if I give my kid a whole grain waffle and some pineapple for dinner some nights. Working a full time job, a full time side business, being mommy & wife is just overwhelming. Some times easy is necessary to keep me from becoming best friends with Xanax.

So what if sometimes I just don't have it in me to be amusing. Today is one of those days, so I do apologize for the lack of funnies here. Girlfraaaan is just tired. Too many wines last night and not nearly enough sleep. Story of my life.

A Chocolate Lover’s Giveaway from Tastefully Simple Independent Consultant Karen Keene

2011-11-02T08:54:00.002-04:00

I'm a giver. Unless it comes to sharing my box o delicious and then, well, my friends you are on your own.

From now until my birthday, cough cough November 15th, I am going to be running some giveaways just because I love you. And because I believe in karma. And maybe, just maybe, if I spread the gifting wealth, I will be treated with a pedicure and some new sheets that I'm dying to have. Yeah. Sheets. Damn, I'm old.

So, to kick off birthday month giveaway extravaganza, my best friend since the wee age of 9 is hosting the first giveaway!

Karen is an independent rep for Tastefully Simple. And if you have no idea what that shiz is, you are surely missing out. Beer bread? Delicious. Dips? Fabulous. Its the perfect place to start your Christmas shopping for sweet and delicious treats.

What is Karen offering?

She is also offering a free recipe book, an individual Garlic Garlic, or Oh My Itty Bitty Chai for any First Name Smith reader that emails an order during the giveaway duration! Damn. I knew I loved this girl.

How to win - leave a comment for each. You know I'm too lazy to do this for you.

Follow First Name Smith
Follow Karen's personal blog for a whole lot of cute kid overload
Like her Tastefully Simple page on facebook
Visit her business page and tell us what's on your wish list for a 4th entry
Blog, tweet or facebook about this giveaway for another entry

Enjoy folks. Aren't I the best? Karen is pretty amazing too. I have good taste in friends.

Winner will be picked on Friday.

wtf is going on here

2011-11-01T08:34:00.001-04:00

Hope you all had a Happy Halloween!

ummm....do you see what I see?

My Memories giveaway

2011-10-31T14:09:00.001-04:00

Are you guys big scrapbookers? I am assuming I have a few considering the mommy-business going on on this side of the fence.

Well, have I got something special for you. To kick off MY BIRTHDAY MONTH, My Memories has offered a special giveaway for First Name Smith readers.

My Memories is the #1 rated scrapbooking suite on Amazon and Top Ten Reviews. And they are giving away one package, a $40 value.

I was asked to review the suite and I have to say, I LOVE it. You can use this software to create digital scrapbook pages, photobooks, and more! Its very easy to use, even for a novice computer guru.

My Memories is also giving away a $10 coupon code to FNS readers in case the luck of the draw isn't on your side this time. Just use code: MSV210D at checkout. Its a 25% off coupon.

Be sure to check out My Memories website and get your giveaway commenting on below.

Le rules:

Follow FNS so I can get in touch with you for a 1st entry
Check out My Memories on Facebook and like their page for a 2nd entry
Blog, Tweet, or Facebook about this giveaway for a 3rd entry.

Be sure to leave a comment for each that you do. I am far too lazy to add them for you. Enjoy dolls! Winner will be drawn on Friday.

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T08:49:00.003-04:00

Happy Halloween dolls!

What a crazy weekend we had. And the icing on the proverbial Halloween cupcake was the 1/4 inch of water throughout our first floor this morning. We had a hellova storm last night that rose the dead and surely gave me a few extra gray hairs this morning.

What a way to wake up this morning. These are the days that make me glad that we no longer own. Its someone else's problem (and someone else will have to also buy us a new rug, so kind of a win? No?).

But the adventures of the weekend were for the record books. Smith and I ran across a parked Fire Truck and decided to make some good use of his delicious cheeks to score a tour.

We also hooked up with Smith's homie Sawyer for a little pumpkin patch play date, in costume of course.

snack break

smith's first bad hair day. ever.

supah man

you're FIRED

Happy Halloween dolls.

facelift

2011-10-28T08:08:00.000-04:00

What do you guys think? Isn't it a beaut?

Katie from Loves of Life did an amazing job spicing things up around here. You'll notice a few new diddies up top including a special tab dedicated to Mister Reynolds and a link to Little Laws Prints so you can get your stationery shopping on, while supporting Smith's college fund. Word.

Stop by and check out Katie if you're interested in a facelift. I cannot say enough good things about her and how quick and efficient she was at putting this space together. It feels like home now. And I love everything about it.

Thanks Katie! You rock, doll.

the blogs they are a changin

2011-10-27T13:33:00.003-04:00

big changes happening over here. we've got a new look in the works, a new domain (dot com) happening, AND a new name.


"no duck duck" tantrums. oh how i love my toddler

i might have panic attack at the thought of how different this little corner is going to be. i started this blog shortly after we were told we'd never have children. you can read my first post here. its tragic. not just in the story itself, but how remarkably terrible my writing was. i'd like to think my posts flow a little better than they did back then. i am also a little more adventurous and a smidge more humorous now too.

i have also grown from a diy blogger this new mommy thing. which i am embracing with everything that i have. i was reluctant at first. i didn't want to spew all the mommy and baby business all over here at the risk of disappointing those readers that didn't share the same interests as me. although my life is no longer full time celebrity gossip and diy attempts, it is more fulfilled than it ever was. and why would i chose not to refocus my blog around that? i have received countless emails and comments about how much other moms enjoy the 'real' aspect of my life. others have criticized me for the same. but with all due respect, i don't do this for anyone but myself and my family.

but i'm digressing as usual. anyway, be on the look out for some big changes around here in the coming days. hope you stick around and continue to enjoy Smith picture overloads coupled with a little miley hatin and general RR lovin.

later, dolls.

SWW

2011-10-26T10:41:00.000-04:00

Linking up with my homeskillet Shannon today for a little SWW!

So what if I buy all of my kids clothes at Target and Old Navy. I don't have time nor the endless budget to shop at Babies R Expensive, otherwise known JCrew or Gap Kids. Eff that. When it comes to smart purchases, an $8 teeshirt from Target is much more disposable after a diaper blow out or an unfortunate spaghetti o's accident than a $40 button up from Nordstroms. More power to those who can, but I'd rather have a few extra duckets for a box-o-deliciousness.

So what if I have absolutely no desire to have another baby. Again, more power and sleep prayers to those who do, but I need a few years of sleep and to find my sanity at the bottom of a glass of wine before I'd consider that again.

So what if I am completely addicted to HeyTell. I cannot function without it.

So what if I secretly like LMFAO. I am ashamed to admit that I dance a little jig every time. Except for their latest video where they're shaking their balls in a speedo. That's shit isn't cute. Balls are whack.

So what if I want to punch myself in the ear every time the Little Einsteins is on Disney Channel. Lets be real doood. You cannot fly a stupid rocket my flapping your arms and you most certainly do not need to rescue the baby boobie bird so that he can sing in the boobie bird concert. Those little twits drive me nanners. And in my opinion, teaching kids to say Boobie is just about as good as books that teach kids to say Ship instead of boat. Yeah, because that'll end well.

What are you saying SWW to?

The Motley Element Crew

2011-10-25T10:15:00.003-04:00

I was more excited for my work halloween party than what was probably considered normal.

Not because its work. And not even really because its a costume party. But primarily because it was a night for Kent and I to get out and get ridiculous with the help of Grandma and Grandpa watching the little dude. They were kind enough to even afford us the opportunity to sleep in the next morning and work off our bottomless Miller Lites.


brown baggin at the 7-11

Periodic elements

Kristen Lawlor died happy

Didn't even make a sound

Filled her tub with Miller Light

Was in bath heaven and drowned

Motley Crew

My bestest

The best part about our costumes were the small captions at the bottom. But for a bunch of college educated assholes, we sure didn't consider the fact that it would be dark and no one would be able to read them.

click to enlarge - promise its worth a read

Click to enlarge - give it a gander

Instead, we just got Crunk.

She's Havin' My Baby

2011-10-24T14:52:00.000-04:00

Hey party people! Shannon here, from L.A.I.D.

Here's the thing, I big, pink, puffy heart Kristen. She's my home girl. My sister from another mister. She's the Florida version of my cold Ohio ass. On any given day we have 2-3 emails, a Hey Tell conversation, a tweet or two, and possibly a text going on all at once. So basically if I had to marry again {first time you marry for love, second time you marry for money} I'd marry her.

Speaking of which. Did you know Smith is marrying my little Kendall Paige? It's true. Granted neither of us have met and the babes are far from old enough, but it will happen. And when it does, it will be epic and the grandbabies will be the cutest thing since, well, them.

Gorgeous, huh?

And for an extra dose of cuteness, our grandchildren.

No? Well I'll agree, they aren't the MOST attractive children but I mean it's a computer generated baby. Besides, babies can't make babies anyway.

But adults can make babies.

Two beauteous ladies right= beautiful babies, right?

Right.

But sadly our babies are not. Major sads.

Hey I said two adults could make babies, never said they'd be pretty. Not to mention, two girls can't make babies anyway, silly heads.

But I'd still marry her anyway. But then Smith couldn't marry KP because I'm sure that's all sorts of illegal. I mean for step siblings of a lesbian couple to marry, right? I'm sure it is.

Anywho, happy Monday people. Make it work.

a case of the monday's

2011-10-24T10:48:00.000-04:00

What a bat shit crazy weekend we had. We were busy from the moment the clock hit 5pm on Friday until Sunday at 7pm when turtle finally went to bed.

Friday night was the Fall Festival at Kent's school. We love any opportunity to parade Smith around in his cutest ~~Mets~~ Marlins hoodie.

Smith decided to join the live bluegrass band.

We did a little pumpkin patchin and hung out with daddy.

Don't hate dolls. This is all I can muster for a post after a weekend of Halloween debauchery, too many vinos, and not enough sleep.

I'll leave you with a teaser from the big halloween party on Saturday. I'll try to get my blogging mojo back for that post.

I bid you adieu.

Scentsy giveaway weeener

2011-10-21T08:15:00.002-04:00

happy friday dolls! are you as excited for this weekend as i am?

tonight is the fall festival at kent's school, so we'll be bringing the dude to parade him around and make all the other moms jealous that their kid isn't as cute as ours. and just to get me back for that comment, they'll also proceed to tell me how much smith looks just like kent. le sigh.

onto the good stuff... the winners of the Rachel Antone Scentsy giveaway!

3 winners each receive a scent circle for their car. and those lucky dolls are....

Jillian Vanover

Lindsey

Karebear

and the big winner of the plug in warmer and scent bar is...

Kayleigh!

ladies, congratulations! please contact me with your scent choices and mailing address.

thanks to everyone who participated. and please don't forget to start thinking about your orders for holiday cards or teacher christmas gifts. little laws prints is donating 20% of all the proceeds this week to autism research. get something while also giving back.

I love

2011-10-20T08:52:00.003-04:00

I love having a squeezable 15 month old.

I love his personality. I love that he's learning. I love the way his head smells. I love that for the first time last night, he saw a picture of me, said 'Mama' and kissed the photo. I love the way his cheek feels when he just wakes up, all warm from sleeping. I love that he's so happy. I love that he loves books. I love his open mouthed kisses. I love that he's talking more. I love that he sneaks up behind the cat and lays his head down on his back and says "awww". I love the way he smiles. I love his giggle. I love the way he gently holds my hand when he's eating his nighttime bottle. I'd like it if he slept more, but that's a rant for another day.

(looks can be deceiving)

I don't love the throw yourself down, smash your face on the floor, kick your feet, and scream tantrums because the damn duck ducks aren't in the canal when you get home from school.

Eff.

Treasure Coast Autism Project

2011-10-19T10:16:00.000-04:00

Little Laws Prints is teaming up with the Treasure Coast Autism Project to raise money for a local Autism school in South Florida.

Twenty percent of the proceeds from now through the end of next week will go to this special cause. Please consider supporting the Treasure Coast Autism Project through your purchases at Little Laws Prints. Not only are you helping support Smith's college fund, but also some very special children that could use your love.

We have some really cute new goodies in the shop and have already begun to receive inquiries about holiday cards and gift tags. Get your orders in early!

If you would like to support my dear friend Sandra in her half marathon run to raise money, please feel free to pledge with her directly.

Thank you for your support dolls!

SWW

2011-10-19T08:30:00.003-04:00

Today, I am linking up with my MBFF for a little So What Wednesday.

So what if I choose to skip over all the parenting books and websites dedicated to this or that. I am winging this whole mommy thing and we're doing a damn good job. Sometimes I feel like I am missing something by not falling into that whole book / website trap. But the best person to tell me how to raise Smith is Smith himself. And just as his farts tell a tale of what's to come, he also tells us what he needs when he needs it. Even if it is in the form of a point and a grunt. And should a question arise, Google is my friend. She's all I ever need.

So what if I ate a Payday and a Mountain Dew for breakfast and haven't worked out in approximately 18 months. A toned tush isn't as important as a sugar rush at 8am and spending time with my dude.

So what if I want to brag that my son is the most genius child on the planet. At nearly 15 months old, his vocabulary has expanded exponentially. So much so that I have lost track of all the words he says. And he can identify not only photos of ducks, but illustrations too while saying "duck duck". You ask him what a cow says and he responds with "Moo". Truth. With so many other moms that have babies the same age, I sometimes feel pressure to downplay some of Smith's accomplishments to make the playing field more even, so to speak; in an effort to make another mom more comfortable. Ridiculous. But if I have learned anything about this parenthood business its 1. that we put far too much pressure on ourselves to "keep up with the joneses" and 2. that wiener cheese is a real, legitimate term used all too frequently in our house.

So what if I really think that people need to chill the eff out around these here parts. My god, for as many amazing women I have met through this world, there's also one asshole for each of them too. I just don't understand. If you don't like it, don't read it. But don't feel the need to spread your diarrhea mouth all over comments and emails. I presume the energy could be spent in a better way.

So what if I am now officially an iPhone 4 whore. How the hell did I live without this thing for so long?

So what if I am more excited for our work Halloween party this weekend than I was for my first night away after Smith was born. 1. Because I am actually sleeping these days and can stay awake long enough to enjoy the shenanigans. And 2. because I NEVER get to socialize with friends anymore. This Saturday night may as well be a Miller Lite Bubble Bath with Ryan Reynolds.

I smell something good!

2011-10-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

Rachel contacted me because she loves me. And because she loves me, she loves you too. And do you know what all this lovin means?

A giveaway, of course!

Rachel is the Scentsy top mama. An independent distributor for Scentsy, she is offering up a fabulous giveaway to 4 KLaw Inspired readers!

A little diddy from Rachel:

Scentsy Wickless Candles are ceramic warmers that are a safe, decorative alternative to a candle. There's no flame, no smoke and no lead – so that means no worries for you! They are safe around kids and pets, and are safe to use in your home, classroom, office, or anywhere! How are they so safe? The ceramic warmers use a low watt light bulb that melts specially formulated Scentsy wax, creating a long lasting aroma that fills any room. There are so many beautiful warmers to choose from and they come in a variety of sizes ranging from plug-ins, which are perfect for bathrooms and laundry rooms all the way to full-size warmers, which are perfect for any size room. And with over 80 scents, you are sure to fall in love with several scents. One reader will win a plug-in warmer and a scent bar of your choice. Three readers will win a Scent Circle (for the car) of their choice.

There are a couple of ways readers can enter:

1) Go to my website (www.rachelantone.scentsy.us) and come back to the blog and leave a comment about which warmer and scent you would like most.

2) Look me up on Facebook (Rachel Antone - Scentsy Consultant), and LIKE my page, and come back to the blog and leave a comment saying you did so.

By "liking" my Facebook page, you will automatically be entered in future giveaways that are done on a regular basis, only on that page. Orders can be placed from my website, and will ship directly to your home within 7-10 days.

3) Of course you must be a doll and follow this here blog.

4) Share this giveaway with others for a 4th chance to win.

Winners will be drawn on Friday. Good luck dolls!

Happy Birthday!

2011-10-18T08:40:00.002-04:00

Happy 29th Birthday to my favoritest mom in the world!

Hope your day is just as beautiful as you are. Love you.

Grammie Lori with a 4 week old Smith

Super Smith

2011-10-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

Morning dolls!

Our weekend was nothing short of fabulous. I had an amazing time with my little dude and my big one. Lots of snuggle time, tons of books read, good sleep was had and I even managed to get drink a few glasses of the sauce.

We had planned a family costume this year, but have since decided that Turtle is still a bit to young to actually go out on Halloween night. But, fear not my Smith costume loving friends. We do plan to take him to the mall on Halloween Eve do to a little store front T.O.T.ing. Mainly for photos sake ~~and to feed my belly.~~

Isn't Super Smith the cutest?